keepinon:
No Contact was helpful for me whenI neede space due to my anger over my daughters behavior during her addiction.It gave me time to untangle myself, respond rather than react,etc.
I really loved Freya's post..I too see people in alanon who live and cope with active alcoholism..for me it was clear..I am not able to live a serene life with an active addict in my home.
I didn't know I was doing "NC" but I guess that's what I did. Like the alcoholic/addict, if I had come to this forum or gone to an Alanon meeting anytime before *I* was open and ready for it and someone told me I should go "NC" with my active alcoholic husband (at that time), I could not have done it. In fact, I did go to an Alanon meeting when I was first dating my husband and I left. (When I reflect back, I think it was because I felt at a gut-level that this relationship with my A was unhealthy and I needed to leave him then.) However, there came a time (14 years later) when I just couldn't go on living with an active alcoholic. (It wasn't what I felt at a gut-level or even knew in my head that would help me make better choices. I felt in my gut and eventually came to know in my head this was an unhealthy relationship. I had to be at a point in my life where I could finally say, "this is it" and actually *do* something about it. I had to hit my own bottom) I was becoming so angry, resentful. . . unhinged. I finally left and I guess did "NC." I didn't like the kind of person I was becoming. I didn't want my daughter to grow up with an angry & volatile mother. I realized that I did have a choice to remove myself and my daughter from the toxic, insane environment that was our home and go NC until I was "clear" and removed enough to see and deal with him with compassion & love. (I often say I felt I no longer had a choice but to leave. It's more accurate, I think, to say that I finally realized I did have a choice to leave!)
I haven't gone to many Alanon meetings (maybe a total of 6 or so), but this week I decided to hit up a bunch of meetings (since my daughter is away with my family for a week and I didn't have any excuses about childcare). At the Alanon meetings, I've heard some success stories (the A's went into recovery and the couples have their own separate "programs" they work). There is hope for some of our relationships, but *both* partners have to be in recovery. I've heard many stories of people "coping with" their active A's. I think this is good too. For those who don't want to or feel they can't leave their A's, they still have to live their lives (i.e. they still have to "cope"). Hearing the stories of various people opens each one of us to more possibilities. Each person will choose for him/herself what works for him/her.
I have noticed that on this forum, many are happily divorced or separated from their A's. That's important to know too because it means, there is life after the A, for many many people who may have once felt hopeless in their marriages.
I suppose there is a continuum. Each of us will find what works best for our lives. If someone can live with an active alcoholic and find his/her serenity and live a satisfying life, then that should be okay for him/her. (If one is a parent of a minor child who is addicted to alcohol or other substances, the parent may *have to* find ways to cope and live with the A since a minor child *is* the parents' responsibility).
For me, I can not live in a home with an active alcoholic and achieve serenity too as keepinon has said. Yet, I am in an "in-between" situation. My husband has been in recovery for nine months. I am working on my own recovery. Although I left initially to divorce (and we are still separated), we are both (separately) working on ourselves most likely to reunite and come back together in our home. We are each taking it one day at a time.
I don't know if there is a fast and quick rule about NC (or anything else). For me, it was necessary to remove myself & my child from an unhealthy environment, separate from my active A and go NC. The need for the NC came to me. The distance (including physical separation and NC) enabled me to see things more clearly and compassionately AND it eventually led to my husband seeking help and entering recovery.