. . . So, I hit two meetings yesterday. I will try to go to two today. I really appreciate how the meetings are started by setting them up and framing them: 1) to avoid gossip, 2) offer solutions rather than dwelling on the past or problems, 3) share ESH & 4) to allow people to be who they are honestly without judgment. This is how I want to live my life in general and allow others in my life to live theirs, regardless of alcoholism/addiction.
I recall hearing on a talk show years ago how the home should be a "soft place to fall" and safe from the harsh, cold outside world. Of course, to a codie/enabler/savior, it was like, "Yes, that is the kind of home I am going to create!" Perhaps, I had "underestimated" (more like denial) that I had married an active A. (I was determined! I have the warmest, most loving heart. I can do this! I will do this! True love conquers all --even alcoholism & addiction! Yeah right!) Of course, in practice, having an active alcoholic husband with his champion codie wife (that would be me!) in the home was filled with chaos, unpredictability, and tension (and therefore, very unsafe, not to mention very very lonely & emotionally barren). The only thing I remember being able to predict was that my life was unpredictable and chaotic. I'd have Plan A, B, C, & D all ready. . . even with all the planning and anticipation for every back-up scenario "just in case," I was still running around putting out fires and treading water, staying afloat with a ton of weights hanging from my feet. I was applauding myself for being so amazing . . . but every year, I just felt my zest for life, my creativity, and my passion were all being sucked out of me! I was so exhausted. I was also become angrier & more resentful. I was constantly on edge (& feeling like I was becoming emotionally unhinged). It frightens me when I look back at what I did to myself. Of course, back then, I asked myself "Why is he doing this to me? to us?"
Being in the Alanon meetings, it was really calming. I observed the others in the room, seeking calm and serenity. I got the feeling that people there found the meeting a safe place --that soft place to fall amidst chaos and madness. I just wanted to soak up those feelings and keep them with me.
Because I am not living with an active A and that my A husband (from whom I am living separately) is in recovery, I feel removed from the chaos of active addiction.
I really really want to work at letting go of my past, to release that little girl who was raised to be an emotional caretaker & enabler, to forgive my parents (detach with love when I have to, since they are unrecovered sober codie-alcoholic partners) & start a new relationship with my parents free from anger, resentment and blame with some boundaries so I don't get sucked into their drama. I think I want to work on that.
When little (& big) things bother me spiraling me downward into a funk, sometimes even a panic, I remind myself to be thankful. This time last year, my AH was drinking like he was on a suicide mission. Today, he is in recovery. Our Easter, Mother's Day, Memorial Day, Father's Day, Labor Day, Halloween, & Thanksgiving this year were spent with my AH sober--something I could not imagine. (I would call this miraculous.) Today, I am accepting my own need for recovery. I am letting go of my "hang-ups" about 12-step programs so I can benefit from them (so my family can benefit from them). There are no guarantees what might happen in an hour or later this evening. For now, I am in a place that is good. My biggest challenge, I anticipate, (yet trying really hard *not* to anticipate) will be if my husband relapses, how will *I* respond. . .Pause button, please! Stop fast-forwarding! I remind myself to stay in this moment. Take things as they come. Don't look back (checklist: working on) and don't look too far into the future (checklist: working on)!
. . . For this moment, I am serene.
Thank you for letting me indulge.