I am also in my late 30's.
Lateeda - you give me hope. I battle with this whole co-dependancy thing. I mean to me it is normal to be in a relationships that are "give and take", surely you want to spend happy times with someone? My Dad and Step-Dad died of cancer and I was there for them. I assisted financially and emotionally, when they were not able to really respond because of the pain. When they were grumpy and irritable and wanted to be alone - I did not go into "no contact". I was there to care for them, to pray for them when they could not relate in a "normal" way. Was I being co-dependent in those relationships? I dont think so. So if alcoholism is a disease then why is it wrong to want to do the same thing? I am afraid I dont understand.
Take my children. They depend on me, but to a degree I source my happiness from them. When they are happy, I am happy. I want to be with them, to be there for them, to help them, to pick them up when they fall. Does that make me co-dependent?
I do battle with loneliness - I have three precious children who I have to hand over to their father every alternate weekend and who are exposed to the OW - a woman who divorced her alcoholic husband and sought comfort in mine. He left me for her. I know I have baggage. I am in therapy and I asked my therapist the same question "what is wrong with me that I cant leave ABF" "What was wrong with me that I fought so hard for my marriage when I knew he was in love with her" - I fought for 2 LONG years - he left anyway - my therapist said " it is because you love unconditionally".
I am trying to find out as much information as I can on alcoholism not so I can fix my ABF's problem but so that I can understand. I dont understand WHY he has to withdraw from me to HEAL. Again my therapist says that he can still have contact with others because they dont have a vested interest in him - he can do what he likes and is not threatened emotionally by them. I know his truth and so he cant wear his different masks with me. He is able to relate to his children (little ones) as they are his responsibility and obligation and dont necessarily make emotional demands on him at present. It is so confusing. I mean is alcohol THAT powerful that he throws everything that he KNOWS is good away? I guess I just dont understand the intensity of the whole disease.
ABF says he is not shutting me out - but he is NOT contacting me.
He says he does not want to hurt me - but he is.
He says he loves me - well I have no answers on that one.
So I have to trust in God to deliver me and to keep me sane at the moment.
I HATE THIS.