It baffles me too. Even knowing that there is a chemical dependency issue in the brain etc, part of me just wanted to yell "Snap out it!!". or "Get it together!!". I also assumed it was going to be easy to rebuild or get in and out of recovery (like it was getting a new hair do or something). There is a term that is used in medicine and therapy: Caregiver and compassion fatigue. I'm very low on the compassion-o-meter right now so I am pulling myself waaaay back before resentment starts to spew out. I'm pulling back so that I can be in a better frame of mind to accept all he is going through in recovery. But most importantly is I need to reclaim MY life back.
It to me is a no brainer: How can you not know how what you do affects others? Read Under the Influence as it has been suggested. That book taught me soooo much but I know exactly your frustration as to what to us seems very obvious to us non-addicts, just STOP!! If I am doing something that hurts people, I stop. If I do something that could destroy my body, I stop. If I do something that even could have a remote potential to make me lose my job or loved ones, I stop and I definately would not do it again and again and again. But that is because I don't have that physical, mental or emotional programming which can lead to alcoholism/addiction.