Hi, Sk.
I am a 40 year old woman, have a 5 year old son, and have aan alcoholic significant other who is in recovery.
I feel for you. I am sorry that your mom has kind of checked out of life like this, and that your dad is scared and weak and cannot leave.
My dad was an alcoholic, he was in bad shape when he died when I was 13. On the very day that my dad died, my non-drinking mother picked up his bottle of gin, chugged it, and began 25 years of alcoholism. I spent my teens putting her to bed, barred my own friend s from our house out of sheer terror that they would see how truly f'ed up everything was, first, when my dad was drinking, and then when my mom took it up after he died. After my dad died, my mom spent years drunkenly accusingme of killing him. If I had only been better, she would say. She did go to rehab, got sober, did her steps, made amends, then 4 years later CHOSE out loud to drink again, and is now not there for any of me or my 5 brothers and sisters.
My child(her grandson) does not spend time alone with her.
Your mom is abusive to you. The things she says and has said and done to you are vicious, irresponsible and unsafe She is not present anymore. She is in an advanced stage of alcoholism.
First off, you may know this in your mind, but do you know in your HEART that you are not the things she calls you? That you are NOT the cause of her drinking?
You are 20 years old. I suggest you remove yourself from your family dynamic. You are quite young enough to change the way you move forward in life.
If you cannot do that right away, I would suggest starting to make a plan. If you can, begin setting aside money to move. If I were you, I would move far enough away that I can begin to allow the smoke to clear and a new way of living to emerge without being threatened by all of your parents dysfunction.
Many people who live in severly dysfunctional families can choose, early on to not continue the chain of sickness. You are young enough to do that. You can go, find healthy friends, start building the kind of life and relationships that you always knew were out there.
My A is my sons father, and he is very sick with alcoholism, is sober, in recovery, and he has found that his family patterns are so ingrained...he feels overwhelmed and that his life will just be a mess, no escape..
BUT, his oldest brother lived the worst of the abuse, the worst of the dysfunction in their house growing up. He moved away the day he turned 21. He moved 2500 miles away. He got into college, studied psychology, met a great girl. HE removed himself from that family, and he is now, 15 years later, the entire familys' go-to guy for help in any issue.
I admire him.
I also was him. I was the youngest of 6, and I moved to California from Pennsylvania the day I turned 18. I just had to go and try to build up on some better way of living. I did that. I had a successful life, a happy and solid career. I did retain some messed up traits in and around co dependency, which led me to attract a sever alcoholic as a partner. BUt I did not BECOME that. Al anon is teaching me a lot about my separateness as a person.
I firmly believe even that tendency in me could have been avoided if I had started going to Alanon sooner in my life.
ALanon teaches us the skills to separate our tangled feelings from the sick people in our lives.
You can make these changes, and still love your family. Your mom and dad will still be your mom and dad, but, you can, sadly, realistically accept here and now, that they may never come to rescue you from the sickness that has taken over your family. You have to rescue yourself.
ANd you can. The fact that you are 20, and seeking support here is impressive. I dont know your financial situation, but, if you have the power to change it, and gather some money to make a plan, I would consider that the best thing you can do to help first yourself, then your family.
Dont get me wrong..you dont have to move thousands of miles away, but you could gain alot of clarity by not being in the day to day of it. I know they are your mom and dad...and it is hard, and I am sorry.
I wrote this the other day, but it is resonating a lot recently:
They say living well is the best revenge, but really living well is the BEST gift you can give to anyone in your life.
There is no honor or progression in going under with someone or two people who do not have the will to save themselves.
You can be no help to you or your parents if you become like them, or keep suffering their abuse and neglect.
I hope that you find the strength to rise up out of this mess. You did not ask for it, you do not deserve it, and you do not have to have a life full of it.
Keep posting, please!