Hi highfunction and welcome to SR,
I felt the need to wade in on this thread as I too have a highly functioning alcoholic in my life who I continue to remain with, so thought that I could add another perspective for you, he is my husband of 22 years who I have known since I was 15 yrs. old (now 45), so a very long time.
I recently posted a reply to a thread about 'positive outcomes' of living with an alcoholic and explained how the alcoholic in my life works hard, has only taken maybe a day or two sick days in the past 22 years, rarely takes time off for holidays. He is a great provider, and does a lot more than me around the home, cooking and cleaning and he can be thoughtful and generous, running baths for me or sending a txt to see how my day has been going. All fantastic things, you will probably agree.
However, over the past 22 years, both myself and more recently, our youngest daughter, have been subjected to some angry unjustifiable bursts of emotional and verbal abuse. These outbursts have occurred when he has either been drinking or when I have asked him politely to reduce his drinking (or a mixture of the two). My AH has never been violent but the verbal abuse can still be devastating. I still remember incidences from 20 years ago that are continually triggered, I have low self-esteem and I feel like a complete mental case some days.
With alcoholics it appears the best defense is to attack! and they don’t care who they hurt in the process.
I have also tried many forms of 'reduce alcohol' speeches; including his health and drinking: suggesting the national guidelines of 21 units a week for men, one crate a week (24), drink at the weekends only etc. but nothing works! Nothing! Many of the times I have had the speech, he has gone out the following day and bought another crate.
Late last year, I had become so obsessed by his drinking that I was counting the number of beers in the fridge, keeping an excel spread sheet on the amount he spent on beer and my stomach would churn every time I heard the back door open to where the beer fridge was located. I was a complete mess and he kept drinking. I finally exploded at him, giving him a choice, me or the beer and he chose beer. I felt so low - destroyed, that beer could come before 22 years of marriage and certainly not a 'normal' choice for a non-alcoholic husband. It was at this point that someone suggested that I try Al-anon. This was also the point that the penny dropped that I was married to an alcoholic.
Finding Al-anon has been great and finding this site has been great, a real solace. I have learnt to take the focus off my Alcoholic and concentrate on looking after me. I shrug things off more these days. I don’t worry so much about his drinking, I don’t obsess about it. If he wants to drink - let him, his choice, hes a big boy. I sometimes think about his health and what he is doing to himself and I just shrug my shoulders and say to myself 'his choice' and move on to something else.
My daughters are both effected by their dads drinking. My eldest daughter is a nurse and has tried writing to her dad about her fears. It didn’t help and she is angry with him for what his choice to drink has done to us all. My youngest daughter has been at the brunt end of his alcoholic angry outbursts and has consequently moved out of home at the age of 18 yrs. Far too young IMO and not under the right circumstances, but I am so pleased that she is happy and is protecting herself. She still has a good relationship with her dad and he is very lucky he hasn’t destroyed that, but she now chooses when he comes into her life and can walk away.
My AH is in complete denial about his drinking. Denial is a huge part of the disease. Here is some of how our past conversations went. Me - AH
Me or the beer - the beer, as our marriage is bad anyway.
Following an angry outburst at his daughter (she said 'hi dad' to him) - she was annoying, is lazy and uses the tumble drier too much.
Please cut down - if you drank more you wouldn’t have an issue with me.
Look at how much you have spent this week on beer - you have your hair done
Please cut down - all you do is sit and watch the TV, you have no friends and you are boring.
Your dad died young as an alcoholic - that will never happen to me because I cook and clean
You might die young - you will be OK, you have a pension.
and my personal favourite was that alcoholism - is a term invented by the Americans to sell books.
I choose to stay with my AH (TODAY) because I love him, because of his good qualities, because we have a long history and life together, we have two daughters - a family. I choose to stay for now and I choose to stay because, so far the negative consequences have not outweighed the benefits of staying and I still love him, despite of his drinking. This of course could change.
There is no doubt that my AH drinking has had terrible negative consequences on all of us - it truly is a family disease. I have learnt that there is nothing at all that I can do to get him to stop or cut down and in all likeliness he will get worse. However, I can do something for me and I have sought help through Al-anon and this website and I am getting better. I have changed the way I react to my husband and I am learning to ignore his drinking for my own benefit and peace of mind. I am also trying to build a life for myself aside from my husband.
You really are setting yourself up for a roller coaster relationship if you stay with an alcoholic - however highly functioning and I don't think I would have gone down this route if I knew then what I know now.
I hope that you have gotten something out of my long ramblings and at the least I have given you something to think about whatever you choose to do.