Hi Dotcom, This might not be the same but, I feel it is close. I had the same issues with the drinking and hating myself. I knew they were bad for me but, I didn't want to give them up. Once I gave them up I missed them. Heck, at times I still miss that life. How can we miss something so terrible. We all sound like giving and caring people when it comes to others. Most of my self abuse was verbal,but, there were a few times I came close to just hitting myself. Then I tried to kill myself. How, could I want to go back to being drunk and undependable, or like you said, how could you want to go back to hurting yourself? Do you sometimes feel you deserve this type of treatment? I wouldn't let someone else, do it to me, but, I think it is OK to do it to myself? I want to commend you for being so open and honest. You are helping me to be more open. I really believe what MG says, This is part of the process. Identify, feel the pain, understand and take the steps to deal with it. As long as we keep these things shameful secrets, they will remain just that.
"Recovery ain't no highway"
Don W