Been There, Done That
Teggie, my heart goes out to you. I can't begin to tell you how much this board has helped me, just in the last few days.
I've been married for 19 years to a man who began his professional drinking career when he was about 16: that's 30 years of learning how to drink while holding down a job and passing himself off as a good guy. Meanwhile, behind the scenes, he treated the kids and I like we were nuisances much of the time. I covered for him on every front, tried to make us look like the perfect family, tried to make everything okay all the time. I was a nervous wreck. As the time would arrive when he was going to come home from work every day, I found myself getting tied up in knots, then running around like a maniac seeing what might be out of place, what we might be out of he could possibly want, telling the kids to be cool, dad had had a long day at work (duh: I work full time as well)...the whole deal.
Then I found out he was having an affair. She understood him like I didn't: she was an alcoholic and a drug addict and married to a guy she cheated with on her previous husband. I died a thousand deaths inside and became a walking wounded skeleton of myself. I was ashamed - what was wrong with me? Hadn't I done everything and put up with him on top of it? It was my fault of course, everything was always my fault: and I started to believe it. My kids didn't even know who I was anymore and I stopped eating, dropped 30 pounds. He said it was over with the other woman, he was sorry, had never done it before and never would again. I tried to forgive and move on: then started feeling bad stuff in about February. ******* man was back: remember, he was still drinking and smoking dope this whole time. Come March I find out he'd been lying and carrying on the entire time, behind my back while I thought it had been over. The woman had the nerve to call my home to speak to me! Unbelievable - now she's invaded my own home, the only place I feel safe in the world. I was afraid every time the phone rang. I had to get my phone number changed. I screamed. I raged. I was mad at him, mad at myself for believing his lies, mad at her for being a married woman with kids who cheated with my husband, a married man with three kids. I threw things. I went upstairs and started throwing everything he owned down the stairs: he had to go, right that minute. The kids were freaking, but I had blown a flipping fuse. I thought about harming myself. Then I thought of the kids.
He went to AA the next day. He got a room to live in for almost three months while I worked on myself and with the kids, and we tried to start putting things back together. He's been sober for over three months and goes to AA meetings every day, but I still don't trust him as far as I can throw him, and I still cry at the least expected times when visions of he and this other woman pop into my head. I love him more than anyone on earth, but I'm a wounded puppy and need to heal.
Financially - he started saying he wanted to come back after one month because of the money. Well, he didn't care about the money when he spent it in bars or other things that weren't for the benefit of the family or himself. I wanted him to come home so much even though I was in horrible pain. The kids actually helped me a lot. I saw them watching me, watching him, watching us interact. They asked how I was. They supported me. They began to tell their father when he was out of line instead of crying or running to their rooms.
I keep waiting for that truck to come along and knock me down for the last time, since the bus and the tractor trailer already blindsided me, so I know what the other folks are saying. I'm preparing myself in the event that comes to pass while trying to work with my now sober, kind, sensitive AH on saving this marriage.
Be careful, Teggie. Be hopeful, don't do what I did and almost hurt yourself because of the pain you're in, and don't cave too soon or he won't believe you're serious and it will all start again.