Update: AH brings me a letter telling me all the things I have wanted to hear and telling me he is going to quit for himself and better his life, see a counselor, be the man I deserve, etc, etc... It was hard because for the first time in two months I had a small sense of wanting to go "home." I had a small vision of what I used to see in the relationship and that desire to have that back I felt for the first time. So far I haven't felt that and it is good to know that still exists even if it is something I may never see again. I want to as I move forward be able to appreciate the good and up until yesterday I couldn't find that appreciation even a little.
The thing is he seems sincere and I think that is great for him if he is, but I need to wait for the action because as many of you said he is just quacking at this point. It was painful, but I told him that I still needed my space. That for the time being I was remaining single and focused on myself and that I wouldn't promise anything except that after the first of the year we could see where things are and review the situation.
The thing about being "on my own" is I haven't been at his house snooping around, I haven't been obsessing over what he is doing, and I haven't been using his actions to define my mood or desires when it comes to the relationship. It is difficult to detach, but when I am really doing it, it feels good.
This morning I woke up feeling some of that old anxiety that comes along with not trusting him. I found myself worried about whether or not he was lying to me and just hiding his drinking, I wondered how long he would really last, I worried that if he did slip he would lie to me yet again, my small amount of faith turned into resentment and mistrust. I hate feeling those feelings, but I think in a way they are a defense mechanism because they help me to justify my actions. What I am starting to really see though is I don't need to justify myself based on what he is doing, I need to own my feelings and my choices and I am going to do my best to do better everyday. I have to remind myself to stop thinking about him and the "what if's" and to just think about me and what feels right. I think I will probably have to do that reminding for a long time, but if I do it enough hopefully one day it will come more naturally.