Thank you all. The real "slap in the face" came after I realized I needed help, again. I got out my Al-anon books, and read, wrote notes, posted them on the bathroom mirror to read over and over. But I realized what I needed was contact, with others who are, or were in similiar situations. I needed to go "home". However, when I tried to log in, I couldn't remember my password. I couldn't figure out the weird squiggly letters and numbers. I couldn't go home! I didn't lose my tool box, I let it get rusty. I let it sit, I didn't take care of it, and only when I had accepted (again) that my life had truly become unmanagable, did I turn to it. And I couldn't get into it.
I walked away when my desperation became tangible. I tried again the next day. I was ready to give up. Then, I asked for help from the administrator. And gave myself a pat on the back. Trying to do it all on my own was something I had learned from past experience. I had reverted to my old ways, but acknowledged and recognized it, and tried a new way by asking for help. Oh so small, but so big!
I'm ready to work towards the next step. I have discovered the foundation everyone here helped me to build, is solid. And it is so nice to still see familiar names, and so many new ones. I can't be stagnant anymore. It's time to move! I hope you all don't mind sharing the journey with me.