Lost my way
I haven't been on here in while. This forum is where I first learned I wasn't alone in having a loved one with an addiction. It gave me courage, and insight, to finally choose to end my relationship with my addict husband. My personal choice, that worked for me.
I thought that after I had removed myself from the front row seat, everything else would fall into place. My life was a clean slate, that I could carefully choose what to fill it with. Little did I know, that I had lost myself along the way. I had spent years trying to control, bargain, make excuses, trying to cope with my ex husbands addiction. I no longer knew what I wanted, what my dreams were, what made me happy, what satisfied me, where my boundries were, what was ok, what wasn't. I tried filling this new gap with a little bit of this, and a little bit of that. What I found tonight is that if you don't resolve your past, you're bound to repeat it. And I did.
I didn't know it, it took almost a year to figure out. But when I realized it, I was rocking in a fetal position chanting "I'm not crazy, I'm not crazy", and praying someone would tell me so. I let myself be taken in again, not by another addict, but by someone who recognized the weakness in me, and turned it against me. Someone who thought to trick me, deceive me, and when confronted told me I had an over active imagination, even though I had proof in black and white. The same thing my ex addict husband did to me when confronted with proof of his usage. He tried to turn it around on me, make it my fault somehow, and I cracked. Even knowing I was right, it spiraled me back to those aweful days where I began to doubt myself, even though I knew in my gut I was right.
I thought my recovery was almost complete when I finally got the courage to say "I will not live with this anymore." Now I find that was just the first step. Now I have to find out who I am, set new boundries, and be aware that I am vulnerable because of my open heart. And I have to figure out a way to grow, but still protect myself. To learn how to act on my gut feeling that something isn't right. To clearly state what my boundries are (when I figure them out) to know that pain does not equal love. That I deserve to be treated lovingly, and with respect. And I don't have to continue to give unlimited chances to those that continually abuse my open heart.
I thought I was doing so well. It took coming to my knees again to realize that recovery isn't something that happens, it's something you work, constantly, every day, for the rest of your life. You can remove yourself from the front row seat, but it doesn't remove the damage that's been done.
I've been seperated from my ex for 4 years. I have been officially divorced for almost 1 year. I have established firm boundries for every part of the process, and continue to adjust them as needed. But I know when to stand my ground, and when to walk away. It's made things infinitely better between us. Now, I just need to learn how to do it with the rest of the world.