...in my opinion the problem for most of us who love alcoholics is this gigantically false premise:
"...wanting him to come back home as the person I know he is and have longed for."
What I learned over the course of ten years of evidence I continually ignored is this-- my wife IS NOT the person "I know she is and I have longed for," she is an alcoholic. That's what she is. Sharks bite, bees sting, thieves steal, and alcoholics do all the things that alcoholics do until they either die or fully engage over a long period of time in active recovery (and even then it truly is one day at a time).
The only solution for me, and it did not make my life perfect, only better, was to begin regularly attending Al-Anon meetings. It can do the same for you. Go to six or more different meetings before deciding if it will work for you. Here's a gift if you live in the US:
How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico
Good luck,
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by
PlatosIrony 
4 1/2 year relationship with an alcholic. It has been exhausting! Countless fights; verbal abuse; has had three jobs in the 4 1/2 years; several different psychiatrist; countless researching of AA meetings that he would never intend on attending anyway; and now he has just finished his THIRD stint in rehab in 4 1/2 years and is currently in a sober living house.
32 days today he has been sober THIS time and I wonder if I am a fool for being patient and waiting THIS time.
Somewhere in the last 4 1/2 years I lost myself trying to keep him from destroying himself. I finally cracked down and kicked him out of our home. I would have thought it would have been a humbling experience for him as he prides himself of his education, job and appearance; but it did not matter.
He was living in a motel 6 room not too far from his job so that he could walk to work. He called me daily begging me to let him come back home, that this time he learned his lesson and swore he would go to meetings and get sober.
I am not sure what it was or if the 4 years prior finally took its toll on me, and as much as it hurt inside I would not let him.
He called me 32 days ago to take him to rehab. I did, b*tched at him the whole time and left him there. I remember driving away and looking at how lost and alone he was. I felt awful, but for some reason I felt that if I babied him through this one that it would be like the other two times.
Words cannot describe how bad I felt, heck how bad I feel at this moment thinking about how mean I feel I was towards him and how maybe I should have stayed with him until he got checked in.
I'm lost. I am torn between wanting him to stay sober, and wanting him to come back home as the person I know he is and have longed for.
I see him every morning for about 30 minutes and we talk on the phone or through emails throughout the day and night, but for some reason I just feel alone, lost and full of pain/regret, oh heck I have no clue what I am feelling except sad and lost. Might as well add lonely to this too.
I want to be patient for him, but at the same time I want the other half of US back. I know that it does no good to have the other half if he will just get drunk again, and I guess this is my issue as well.
He came home for a few hours a couple of days ago and everything was going well. Tonight he told me that when he was over and I was laying down on the bed, he went into the kitchen and the first thing he looked for was a bottle of vodka.
he drinks beer, but if he does not have beer he would drink the vodka that I would hide in the house. I do not drink often, maybe 2-3 times every 3-4 months. I thought I was hiding them well until I came home one day and he had downed two bottles in less than 12 hours.
Needless to say I do not keep anything in the house anymore. I do not drink often and he did not need to have it readily accessible.
I am lost as to what a difference of living in a sober house for 60-90-120 days can make on having that urge to drink. This is not me trying to rush him back home, I guess I am just trying to figure out how to deal with him when he comes home for a day and understand why the urge is there at home where there is no alcohol versus at a sober house where there is no alcohol.