Thank you for your words of wisdom. I'm sure this is for the best and my heart will ultimately heal. I do have good memories though. The first few months of dating, everyone is always on their best behavior. My ABF would have a beer with dinner when we went out, but I never suspected anything like what, in fact, was reality. About five months into our relationship, I asked about the drinking. Was is something that I had missed or was it something new? He got all defensive and said that if I didn't like it that I had a choice to make. My head was spinning but I picked up my keys and walked out the door. Looking back, it was at that point that I should have stuck to my guns. But I second-guessed myself; gave him the benefit of the doubt. I had fallen in love with him and I thought loving someone meant loving everything about them. Accepting that everyone has faults. I thought it was something that we could work thru. I knew nothing about alcoholism. I grew up in a "Cleaver" type family. My parents have been married for 48 years and never fought or argued. And foolishly, I thought I could help him. I thought he would see that my love for him would outweigh his need to drink.
Boy was I wrong. I started seeing a counselor who introduced me to the concept of alcoholics. My friends and family - they all tried to make me see how it would end up. I ignored them all because I loved him. I told him that we had everything and how could he give that up?
There were lots of excuses and blame. I was nagging him. It was my problem. I asked him point-blank to quit, not for me, but for us and our future. I never got a straight answer until I finally told him that I could not accept it anymore. That's when he said he wouldn't stop. I guess it took me hearing those words to really, really accept that this was no longer a fantasy of mine, but reality, in which he chose drinking over me. Like I said earlier; I never had the courage to give him an ultimatum because deep down, I knew that his choice would not be me and I was not ready to accept that. I still have trouble accepting it even though I know it is the best thing for me.
So that's what led me here; searching for answers; trying to make some sense of it all.