I can elaborate on what LateeDa said.
When I said that my stopping absorbing his guilt was the first step for me toward health, which lead him to his first taste of bottom,
I meant that:
Addicts, have a matrix of codependency that they weave around them. People hold things in place for them by enabling them to drink, or accepting the impact of pain that is rightfully theirs to feel as a consequence for their out of control lives.
One way we feel their pain for them is to accept projections of blame for things we cannot control, or that are not even our own actions;
They want to drink, we dont buy it, they make you feel bad because they need it. Its not our responsibility, or our addiction, but they project that blame, and if you take that blame on or "absorb" it, you really rob the A of their rightful pain, which would lead them to feel bad, then worse, then hopefully ultimately, if left to feel all their own consequences and pains and results of their addictions and actions they will hit "bottom".
A bottom is a term used to describe when the alcoholic figures out there is no lower to go. They bottom out, and choose to take action to make a change. They seek help, they quit, etc.
If an addict is heavily enabled, by one or many people,
-- Mothers bailing them out of jail,
--brothers cleaning up vomit,
--wives lying to their kids to cover up their lies and behaviors,
--girlfriends forgiving them for unforgiveable abuse, because they were drunk, dont remember, promise it wont happen again, etc
If people allow things to devolve this way without standing up against it and walking away from it,...the addict is robbed of the pain that they ought to rightfully feel about their own choices. They do not come to their bottom, since someone keeps cushioning the blow, ie-feeling their pain for them.
One way that I used to cushion the blow was to make sure he could see our son no matter what. I also "absorbed" all the financial responsiblity for our child, not holding him responsible.
One thing that really helped lead him to his bottom, and to burst his bubble of "Im not hurting anyone" was that I submitted him to the child support system. Up until then, he could ignore. It just woke him up, mad him see, on paper that he was not providing for his own child.
The court threatened him with action, he had to get a job, and when he could not work the job because he was so sick with alcoholism, that was a shock to him.
Without forcing his hand to have to work, he could have floated along.
I WAS FEELING HIS FINANCIAL PAIN, in that situation. When I stopped feeling that financial pain, he had to work, but he couldnt and felt shame for his state of affairs and his addiction, AND felt fear about being thrown in jail. This helped lead him to his bottom. He had to seek help, he tried a lot of other people out for enabling, and people to cushion his blow, feel his pain, but ultimately he saw he was alone without his child, and since he could not see him when he was drunk, and he was unable to provide for him, he finally got scared enough or whatever to change//, but everyone has a bottom. One addict may just look in the morror one day and not know who they see-that is one persons bottom, others have had to find themselves without their home, family, maybe doing things for money they cannot believe, then they feel they have hit bottom.
the idea is, stop absorbing the guilt, stop solving the problems for him, emotionally and otherwise. It is NORMAL for you to ask him not to drink, because he has a problem. If you edit yourself and just suck it all up, and dont make boundaries then you have a LOUSY time, and he is glowing with a buzz, but you have begun feeling his pain for him. How often does that happen to us partners, where the A is having a blast numbed up, maybe even blacked out, and we are on edge, worried, angry. Not fair. It is his pain. He will not feel it if you absorb it. If he is going to ruin your day or night by drinking, then you ought to make a boundary. You dont even have to share it with him.Just do something else, start staying away from him when he drinks. He will find himself alone.. Preserve yourself.
Stop dancing the dance. Dont pick up the ball. Dont help him keep up the juggling act, and when all the balls fall st his own feet, and he is standing there alone having dropped all the balls, he is the only one there to blame and he can feel his rightful pain. That way he may find his way to his bottom, and MAYBE he will decide he doesnt want that pain, that shame that guilt, or even that physical sickness anymore. '
I hope this was clearer. Feel free to ask more.