20 months sober and bf relapses for 2 days..what to do?
Hi there,
In May 2008 I met my current boyfriend, "Steve" at a church retreat. I had known his parents before meeting him and was aware that they had a really warm and large family. Steve was compassionate, tender, romantic, sweet and giving in a way that I hadn't experienced from a man before.
We started dating soon after we met, me at age 27 and him at age 32. He had told me that he'd had a drinking problem from the getgo, had lost his home and business when the market tanked and was living at home for the time being. He wanted to get back into school and turn his life around.
He enrolled in some classes at the community college so he could finish his BA degree. But when the holidays came around he relapsed for a couple of days. This is December 2008. He "dried out" for a month and then when he had to file for bankruptcy, officially in February 2009, he relapsed into a seven week bender. He slept outside one night, spent a few nights in the hospital. Vodka, vodka, vodka. Blackouts, shakes, vomiting. The whole nine yards.
I broke up with him and said I would date other people at that point. He went to a 60 day rehab center just for men and loved it. He took a job in the kitchen, sponsored people, became immersed in the program and so on. I got back together with him when I saw how whole heartedly he was taking it on.
He came out, enrolled formally in college and for the first 12 months was actively pursuing his recovery. He lived with me at my parents' house and was paying some rent, contributing to the household chores, working at the school and taking a full load of classes. Everyone was so excited for him!
About sixteen months into his recovery, this past summer 2010, his academic course load increased and he spent a lot of time studying. He had a 4.0 and was applying to MS programs/graduate school. His recovery took second place and his sponsors and community saw it.
Fast forward to the weekend before Thanksgiving. His parents went away and he said he had to go over there for the weekend. He ended up drinking (this was the same area where he had experienced his bender!). He had a few beers and I told him, "let's go back to my house." I promised myself that if he ever drank again I would not "fall into it" for more than 24 hours. I also had the names and phone numbers of his recovery friends.
When I dropped him off at home the next morning, "dried out" he went out and bought some more beer. When he came back to my house I told him to pack his things and leave. This made him drink 4 more beers (chug them, actually).
After 3 days of drinking beer, he went to detox, several meetings and hung out with his friends from recovery. He is saying he has learned lessons about the whole thing. He said he was building his recovery around life and not the other way around. He also said he wnats to do counseling and take some medications to help reduce his cravings (per my suggestion).
He is now back at his parents' house. We live close so I can still see him.
I don't know what to do. He is so smart, is on the precipice of starting an amazing graduate program where he will become a health professional, is caring, supportive, fun and has many of the same hobbies and interests as I do. The 18 months he had sober were awesome...but I am terrified of a roller coaster life of relapse.
Any advice would be great!!!!! My family is worried but still a bit hopeful. I am just confused. Because I love him...