Hi SarahG,
Welcome
This sentence stuck out for me:
I have prided myself on the boundaries I set with my parents years ago, but here I am in a similar situation of my own making.
I grew up w/ an A father and a codependent mom and it took me the better part of my late teens and twenties to come to terms with that damage and get myself healthy.
Well, I thought I was healthy, but I ended up marrying an irresponsibiliholic! Money, appointments, promises, jobs, the kids, nothing was ever dealt with responsibly by this man. Thought I was being so smart because he didn't drink! But I perfectly recreated the dynamic in my parent's marriage, the one I learned as a child. I found myself playing a role I thought I had given up years before....and what I discovered was I hadn't really freed myself from the bad habits of mind I learned in childhood.
More Al-Anon, more therapy, and a divorce got me & the kids to a healthier place.
It has taken hard work and discipline to change my mind, but the difference now is unmistakable - I just don't make the same mistakes and the dynamic of that marriage is just not the one that turns me on anymore!
Believe me, I know how hard it is to find cheap therapy and to find the time when you have babies in your life. But it is a lifesaver - in fact it made me a much better parent and I feel I have made strides in breaking the passing down of that unhealthy relationship dynamic to my kids. I found a mental health center that had a sliding scale, and at one point I went to therapy through the local university - they paired me up with a grad student, overseen by a Psychologist.... I know none of it is ideal - but your recovery is your responsibililty - just like hubby's is his. And all that rage is a good starting off point for some self-reflection with a therapist.
Glad you're here - good luck-
Peace-
B