Detaching from Alcoholic Wife
My wife is an alcoholic, and has been for several years. We have two kids, aged 6 and 7, and my wife has just gone into treatment for the second time this year. I am trying to figure out what to do when she comes out again, and have been reading-up on codependncy and other problems that can effect the relatives of alcholics.
The problem I'm having is that I understand the need to stop trying to control my wife, but I don't see how to make it work in the context of having kids. For example, if I have to work late, I'll often call home frequently to check if my wife's been drinking (I can always tell from her voice) and if she has, I'll have to rush home so that she's not alone with the kids in that state. I also do all the classic things I'm apparently not meant to do, like searching for the hidden booze, nagging her to stop, threatening her with divorce. And I guess I know that these don't work.
But if I can't control her, and if checking up all the time is wrong and futile, then is the only conclusion divorce? If we didn't have kids, I could be around her and "detached" as per the advice I'm getting from everywhere, but with kids there, I don't have that option as that would mean leaving them to her mercy, drunk driving and all. The only way I can see to own the problem and address my needs and the kids is to get them away from her.
And yet divorce is not only such a huge step, but it's a hell of a risk. Leaving asside the ridiculous amount of money I'll have to pay her, what if she gets the kids? I know that ought not to happen with her history and so on, but it's a big thing on which to roll the dice.
I am at my wit's end. Any comments would be welcome.