3betrayed, your post was so eerie to me because it is EXACTLY how I am feeling right now!!! Especially this line: "I can handle alcoholism; I can't handle a husband who could so artfully carry on such gross infidelity for two years." Wow. Talk about reading my mind! As my AH's behavior spiraled out of control, I discovered he was cheating on me with a girl he worked with for around 5 or 6 months (as far as I know since he lies). He would disappear for days and now I know he wasn't just binge drinking, he was on vacation with her. It all kind of blurs together, but I after I found out, he FINALLY hit "rock bottom" and checked into rehab. First, he went to detox, came out, relapsed, then checked back in for good. Rehab gave me some space too to just catch my breath. He has been sober two months now and seems like a different person. He is totally remorseful and eager to prove himself to me. He too explains that the infidelity was "not him," it was the addiction. The crazy thing is, there is a part of me that can agree with this - I know it wasn't him! I was the one crying every day wondering where the man I married went! This is key though. I believe that even if it was the addiction that was in control - you and I are still feeling the same hurt as other betrayed people feel whether addiction is a factor or not. For instance, if an addict kills somebody's kid in a drunk driving wreck - is the addiction in control? Well, maybe so, BUT, that kids is still dead, and everyone involved in that kid's life will experience the trauma, grief, and loss of such a tragedy no matter what the impetus of it is. I'm not trying to compare losing a child to getting cheated on, I'm just saying, I think we struggle partly because we are just so freaking hurt and in pain and there is a little bit of PRESSURE to forgive and accept the behavior because it is such a symptom of the disease. Does that make sense? I'm angry too, because it took me so long to figure out where my boundaries were with drug use and addiction, and just when I figured them out, now I have to figure out my boundaries with cheating and lying! So hard. The lying thing is awful. I feel like I can't even make decisions based on reality, because i don't know what reality is anymore. I do feel like I have to just figure out what I can and can't live with. It's hard because I don't even know everything he did to me. I just wanted to tell you that I am also looking for peace, and I really hope you find your peace and heal and get the life you deserve, whether it's with him or not.