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Old 11-23-2010, 09:53 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Thumper
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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Originally Posted by JW123 View Post
Ok so I have booked a full body massage at the local Spa. I really am going to try and learn to love me although that sounds so completely foreign to me.
That is a good idea!

What I was talking about though was doing the work to figure out how to respect yourself enough that you will make choices that lead you to healthy relationships.

I always picked the dysfunctional man (or let him pick me). I married one. There is one person in my life that I respect and she seems to have things figured out. I used to feel sort of sorry for myself that she ended up with such a 'good guy.' Like it was just luck - HA.

In the last year I've looked at that dynamic more closely. I've known her all her life. I look back at her relationships. It was not that the unhealthy men did not approach her, or even that she didn't get involved with them. The difference is that once she saw how unhealthy they were, or the relationship was, or once it was not meeting her needs in a significant way....she let them go. She experienced some heartache but she moved on. She has, at the core of her being, the ability to know what is in her best interest, to know what is her responsibility and what isn't (she has strong boundaries!!), she has the ability to make difficult decisions without mental gymnastics. She had heartache but she didn't have self doubt. She was sad when a relationship with someone she cared about, invested in, shared good times with didn't' work out but it didn't affect her self worth. For one thing - she ended them long before the emotional investment became so monumental. I had to find my own 'bottom' before I left. She has no idea where her bottom is because she has no plans on ever even glimpsing it She isn't saving anyone or looking to be saved. She was happy with someone that complimented her. Someone that added to her life, that brought her joy. She didn't fundamentally think she did something wrong when someone didn't meet that criteria, or that she wasn't enough this or that. She didn't hang on to the wrong match, or chase them down to force the issue, or tear down her own boundaries to protect them. The way I see it she found her 'good guy' because she herself was a very healthy person. She was emotionally available and yet not needy. She also had the ability to choose. She didn't hang on to the one's that didn't work out as if they were the last man on earth. She was available for the good guy.

I don't do or have any of that. That is what I'm after. That is how I see loving myself.
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