Welcome.
Please remember one thing. Your boundaries are yours and you can set any you want. You don't have to explain or justify them to anybody, ever. Your house, your rules. However, boundaries without consequences executed upon are not boundaries-- they are empty threats. Do not, under any circumstances, set a boundary that you will not enforce. It will be a step backwards.
Having said that, and as soon as possible, get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting. Here you go:
Al-Anon/Alateen Colorado
Take care,
Cyranoak
P.s. We try not to give direct advice here as it is sort of inconsistant with how we want to live. That said, per your questions:
1. I don't feel like it's realistic for me to say "you can't drink at my house." But am I enabling if I *don't* say that? The last few times he has stayed with me I've gone to bed early as soon as he gets the wine out.
Why isn't this realistic? Your house your rules. You're enabling when you do anything, through action or inaction, that helps him to drink.
2. Usually on the way home from the airport he asks me to stop at the store for wine. I don't feel like I can do this in good conscience -- should I tell him that ahead of time?
Why not tell him ahead of time? What will happen if you do? What will happen if you don't? After answering these questions make your decision. You don't have to do what you don't want to do. You don't have to do anything to stop him from drinking as that's not your place either in my opinion, but you also don't have to help him.
3. Should my husband and I drink when he is at our home or when we're out to dinner? We are both able to abstain from drinking but would probably like to have some wine with dinner. Is it fair to do this in front of someone who only sort of accepts that they have a problem?
This is a tougher one and there is a lot of debate around this issue. I'll just say there is no alcohol in my house and I don't drink in front of my wife. I resent this, but she's early in her sobriety and I choose not to make it an issue. Having said that, what will happen if you drink in front of him but don't let him have any wine? What will happen if you don't? There's your answer.
Good luck!
Originally Posted by
daughter333 
Hi there,
My dad is an alcoholic and it's caused a problem in my family for a few years now. My mother left him earlier this year. He sees a therapist, a psychiatrist and his GP regularly. He's been on different meds for depression/anxiety. So far quitting drinking doesn't seem to be on the agenda.
We don't live close to each other so I haven't had a chance to sit down with him and talk about his drinking. I know I need to set some boundaries -- first to tell him not to call me when he's been drinking, that I'll hang up if this happens. I think that's the first step.
Beyond that he is coming here for Christmas in a few weeks. He is mainly a wine drinker but carries some JD in his suitcase for "emergencies" I guess. My question is, what boundaries can I reasonably set for him while he is staying with me?
Specifically:
1. I don't feel like it's realistic for me to say "you can't drink at my house." But am I enabling if I *don't* say that? The last few times he has stayed with me I've gone to bed early as soon as he gets the wine out.
2. Usually on the way home from the airport he asks me to stop at the store for wine. I don't feel like I can do this in good conscience -- should I tell him that ahead of time?
3. Should my husband and I drink when he is at our home or when we're out to dinner? We are both able to abstain from drinking but would probably like to have some wine with dinner. Is it fair to do this in front of someone who only sort of accepts that they have a problem?
In case you're wondering, there's no physical abuse, drunk driving or major safety issues at stake here. There is a lot of drunken rambling, occasional stumbling and general unpleasantness.
I guess I sort of feel like springing all this on him is like letting him walk into an ambush...but I know I need to look out for my own sanity.
Thanks in advance for any advice and sorry for the epic novel.