Beth is right... none of us are Doctors.. we can only relate what has worked for us.. get some help... there is no shame in it..
I do know about the Heart Break of relapse... which is quite common when people first begin the recovery journey.. I would say it is almost normal.. just keep an open mind.. be honest and work on your fear and anger..
I watched my wife relaspe big time with 10 plus yrs of very active AA.. it was sad. It broke my heart.. but life goes on.. stay connected to your home group.. stay close to your sponsor.. and recovery friends.. I can say this with experience.. without them.. drinking and using starts to look real good to make the pain go away..
Relapse
Dare there be a reason for trying to hold on,
and watch the days slip by, yes they are really gone.
Then there was a moment like the shinning sun,
My hearts cries out and says, it is time to be moving on.
We slipped and fell together, it was only you and I,
The weight was on my shoulders, as I believed another lie,
You said you'd try again, I didn't want to say good bye,
But then a relapse came once more, I knew you were going to die.
I didn't have heart to tell you, that I didn't want this to end,
But you made your choices and I thought you were my friend
and I tried so very hard to put you on that road to mend,
only to find myself in anger, time and time again....
So when the hour passes into yet another broken day,
and the anger it subsides and I wipe my tears away.
I am not crying for myself, it was you that lost your way,
and now it is your addiction and there is more for you to pay.
So I changed the locks to our home, and closed every door
and then I sat alone with my thoughts scattered on the floor.
The insanity of watching became alot more than a chore
My heart was aching and it told me I couldn't take it anymore.
My world was spinning far faster than I dared to really know,
and everything that was dear to me lay shattered, and so....
I had to decide if I wanted to see you sink again so low,
Then my heart cried out and said, it was time for me to go.
I wanted so badly to hold onto your precious soul,
but you were gone in your addiction, there nothing but a hole,
So when the hour catches me thinking of yet one more fix...
I remind myself, it was your relapse and not mine to fix......
Jim in Olympia