(((((((SS)))))))
I haven't been able to get your thread out of my mind since I came here the other day. Coming back after being gone so long and hearing you open up to the loss of your only child just breaks my heart.
I have lost too many close family and friends to death and have felt that their lives have been cheated and mine, also. I've lost my mom when I was 15, my two brothers and only siblings in a single car accident, two sister-in-laws shortly after that, a close friend, several close aunts and uncles and my dad. It never gets easier but I have certainly realized that our HP takes the decision out of our hands and we have no control. We, who are left behind, suffer the loss tremendously but those who pass on do, I believe, have eternal peace.
Yet, when I think of the possibility of losing my AD to drugs, it scares me to death. And the thought of my little granddaughter losing her mother is so hard to think about. I think the loss of "what could have been" makes it so hard and I'm sure you must go through your own hell with that. But I have no control and I can't stop what may happen. It is out of my hands. I still know that if it did, I would be so ill-prepared for it.
I wish I could stop the hurt my AD must endure using the drugs and she can't stop. It has to be such an awful existence to realize what you have done with your life and you are powerless to stop. She must feel so bad at the hurt she causes us and especially her own daughter. I know her hell would end but I know that I would still be unprepared no matter how logical I try to make it.
My heart aches for you and I wish I could just wrap you in my arms in a big hug. I am so, so sorry for your loss and pain!
Hugs,
Marteen