Originally Posted by ready2learn

Our 21 year old AS has been in rehab for the past three months for addiction to painkillers, but it's probably more accurate to say he's addicted to getting messed up, period. It's a twelve month program. The program doesn't allow tobacco use, and he got caught recently using dip, so he was put on discipline. Then last Sunday we drove two hours to attend church and visit with him in rehab. He kept jumping up and leaving the visiting area, and later he was paged to go to the office. He came out and told me that he had gotten some "spice" and smoked it while he was supposed to be doing a work detail earlier in the week. Someone told on him. He freely admitted the offense to his advisor when asked about it. The consequences - thirty days dismissal from the program. AS didn't want to come back home with us. He said he didn't think he was strong enough to resist temptation if he came home. So, he got permission to go to another facility for the thirty days. We were so angry with him. If he gets back into the program after the thirty days, he has to start over from day one. He was going to get a pass to spend Christmas with us - that's out the window now. I have been at peace ever since he entered the program. At least I know he's not using while he's in there (well, the "spice" episode disproved that). To complicate the situation, he has a one year old son with his GF, who had lived with us for a year, and we were very attached to the baby. I took care of the baby almost every day until he was nine months old. Once AS entered rehab she moved several states away to her mother's, and refuses to communicate with us. So, tangled in with the disappointment over AS's lapse in judgment is the knowledge that this means another year of having no contact with our grandson - another year of AS not taking on the responsibility of being a father to his child, who he says he misses terribly. I am so angry with him, and feel so used by him. When we dropped him off at the place he is staying for the duration of the suspension, I told him that he needs to realize that when he makes a mistake, that other people suffer the consequences, too. He didn't want to hear that. It was pretty much, "I made a mistake and I don't need to get put down for that." I know there are people here who've been through this. What is the right response? I'm angry over the hurt he continues to cause, but I can't control his choices. I can only work on myself. I feel I need to express my anger and disappointment with him, but what does it really accomplish? I don't want to make him feel worse about himself, but at the same time, I think he needs to face up to the pain he causes others when he makes poor choices. Any input on how to handle this the next time we see him?