No "physical" abuse.
But he has threatened to take my kids back to Germany. He is German I am an American. He has threatened to call the cops, told them I was crazy and an unfit mother. Always portraying himself as the calm and patient father while I had my "freakouts for no reason". No reason?!?
This is a form of abuse for me! Not having peace in your home is abuse. I grew up in a dysfunctional family with drinking. My mother, my grandmother and i hated all of it.
As a young girl I even hated New Year's Eve because of all the partying and drinking that would go on and each year at Midnight I would release a sigh of relief because I knew it would be over soon.
But like the other pp said I am making a plan and everyday I will get up with that idea in the back of my mind. Detaching is dangerous for me because I feel that I will lose that emotional connection w/ AH and if I do the marriage is really over and that scares me to my core. I look back at all the incidences that have escalated in my house and it looks as though I am looking at someone else's wrold through their house window.
Before I met AH I was grieving over the death of my baby but I had Joy and Hope in my heart that God was going to bless me with an even brighter future and here I am being tested again.
I do not blame the Lord for this at all. I am here to learn something but I am stuck and unsure of which road to take and I deathly afraid of making yet another mistake which is why I pleaded to all people who have left their A spouses and who also had children.
There was one time I left my son he was 15 or 16 months old and I went to bible study on Wednesday night and came back to AH drinking wine. I blew a gasket!!! I asked him why he couldnt' wait till I got home to start drinking? It led to a huge argument till the next day when he sobered up.
He couldn't see that he put our babies life at risk while getting drunk on wine. All these incidences add up for me and I feel terrible that my mother can't see what this is doing to me and has done. I do not know what is even normal anymore.
I just long for the days when I was single in my own apartment w/ hope and joy of the unknown. Today I am blindsided w/ darkness uncertainty and pain.
Am I being selfish that I want out of this dysfunctional marriage? Shouldn't I want to raise my boys w/ their father. My mother thinks it is because I have gotten bored w/ AH and yes that is true. Who wants to make love to a stinking alcohol smelling cigarette smoking bafoon. Someone riding them sloppy drunk?
Who wants to be romantic w/ someone who currently has a black eye because he got into a brawl like a college boy this past Saturday night leaving his wife and kids on a boat docked in the berth of the marina?
Am I crazy? Is this normal?