I have recently been struggling with alot of the same things you have.My daughter is a herioin addict in early recovery..I wanted her to understand how much she had devastated our lives , wanted her attitude better, wanted alot of things.I struggled with what to say. Trust me if he is in a 12 step program his peers are going to call him out on how his actions effect others. My daughter actually seems to be getting the amount of destruction she has caused. Can you have very limited contact for a while?It lets cooler heads prevail and gives him a chance to miss you a littLE, while focusing on his program.