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Old 11-16-2010, 10:57 AM
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SteppingUp
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Stuck. Feel like I'm hurting my boys

The other night we caught our son lying about doing his homework... again. W told him to go to bed. He turned (with a dramatic huff) and left. She didn't like his attitude and grabbed him by the arm (probably some nails involved here). He called her a bitch.

I had to step in and tell him that he can never talk to his mother like that. It is not acceptable. W grabbed his face (not hard) and went off on him about how he acts like he's entitled to everything we work so hard to give him.

I spoke with him privately. He said that he feels like she's always disappointed with him and sees him as a loser with no future. I told him that his future is whatever he wants it to be. Right now, he continues to make the same choices he's always made (not doing his work and lying about it). He's certainly capable of doing the work. But, nothing changes if nothing changes. He's got to decide he wants to do the work.

He said that he's walking on eggshells around her because he never knows when she's going to yell at him. Hey, I feel the same way!

When I told her this she started to vent. I took it personally and told her not to react. She told me to go %&#@ myself. I turned to go and said I wouldn't be spoken to that way. She went into the "O great! You're all against me! Just go upstairs and leave me down here" routine.

I told her if she wants to discuss calmly I would. She had only had 1/2 bottle of wine by that time.
She did turn it around on me a bit. While my son and I were discussing she pushed me into the room to close the door so she wouldn't have to listen to us talk about her. I reacted and told her "Don't push me"! She said this was bad behavior to model for our son. I'm not so sure! Frankly, I would hope my son would stand up to anyone who treats him in a way he doesn't like. She doesn't think she pushed me that hard.

I want to talk to S and let him know he's understood and safe. I want to hear more of his thoughts but don't want to make him feel like he's taking sides against his mom. I'm sure she would think that I'm manipulating him against her.


I've been reading a book which addresses "Nice Guy Syndrome" (which I read as male codependency).

We:
Seek the approval of others
Hide our perceived flaws and mistakes
Put other people's needs and want before our own
Sacrifice their personal power and often play the role of a victim
Tend to be disconnected from other men and from their own masculine energy
Co-create relationships that are less than satisfying

OK, here's the Pity Party-

Since I feel like a doormat so often, I feel that I'm not teaching my boys to be men. I'm just teaching them to be codependent men.

I want them to be better than me and take care of their needs.

OK, I think I'm done! I'd love any input on this. It's hard to look at it objectively. I tried to use detachment but I've got a lot more to learn!
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