Originally Posted by
craven 
but I still get really upset when I think that my actions could cause him pain.
To me, this comes from a very deep-seated need to avoid at all costs the Bad Guy Mantle. I know because I've run from it all my life. I've always wanted to please others, to make them happy, and of course, I don't ever want to cause anyone pain. Unfortunately, in the search for what is right for me, I came to realize that I'd have to be the Bad Guy to someone....to my XAH who still blames me and all women for the woes in his life, to my stepson who probably blames me for walking away and leaving him to fend off his drunk father alone....
There will always be someone who will be made unhappy by my actions, and usually it's someone close to home. I choose to accept that I'll be someone's Bad Guy in the pursuit of my own happiness, and I'm totally ok with that.
I sense that you're on the road to that place right now.
(and perhaps to reinforce your resolve, you can ask yourself if your ABF ever agonized this much over causing you so much heartache as he drank his booze down)
Originally Posted by
craven It seems utterly dreadful to have to explain why I want to break up to a 41 YEAR OLD PERSON!!
FindingPeace is right. You don't HAVE TO explain anything. You can simply state "I'm done. Finished. Finito. Fini" and walk away. If he needs a break up manual, then he can go search for it online.
You may feel as though you "owe" him an explanation, but in truth, this is a burden you have placed on yourself. You don't have to bear it.