Lotus, your story resonated for me too.
My ex abf and I have been separated since January. In February, he went back to AA in earnest, and has stayed sober since that time. I started dating him again when he had 3 months...but it did not feel right. He held on to old resentments, defended doing so. He had no patience, was crazy competitive and argumentative, and all the nice things he did seemed to come from a place where he just wanted something in return. He wanted me to resume our life together before I was ready to do so. So I broke it off, asked for time alone for myself. I wasn't ready.
And looking back now, maybe it was him, but even more so, I realize that I need to be stronger and happier with myself too. If we are to ever live together again, I want my life to be solid and complete all on my own first. I made him my "everything", and it almost destroyed me.
So now he has 9 months of sobriety, I am told, and I have 9 months of recovering (SR and Al-Anon), and living on my own. And I believe that I must make the most of this time alone, and not be pushed into anything I am not ready for, by anyone, no matter how much I may love them.