All of the mother's here on SR realize that we could be walking in your shoes......and some are already walking the path. Where you are paralyzed with grief, those of us who have children in active addiction (or even in recovery) are often paralyzed with fear.
You remind me (daily because I think of you every single day) that regardless of whether my dear son is using or not using........I should thank God that he is alive....just for today......
Spiritual Seeker,
My son is 29, had a few years sober, went back to college and was really making progress. Then, he started to drink and drink and drink. He called the gf he used to use with and picked up again. He went to jail within a month, and so he is still alive.
I copied what Kindeyes said, because your story (which I started to know last year when I joined) reminded me of mine. I was still so hopeful he would become what I wanted him to be, a brilliant successful young man. I was stuck in the fantasy of what could be instead of what is. If there were anything to come from your young son's death, it would be I have learned that heroin removes these fantasies. Not the hope, but the fantasy of my perfect son living a perfect life.
The sharing of your grief and pain reminds me there are no fantasies to be fulfilled. Just a life to be lived. Moment to moment, because that is all we have.
I hope I have expressed this well, because I certainly don't want to hurt you.
Thank you for helping me learn how to be with what is, instead of what I want.
Beth