Thumper

I'm trying to play this conversation out in my head. I really just can't envision a very satisfying ending. I'm sorry. I envision a response steeped in denial, blame shifting, and probably a good bit of somewhat justified indignation. So much of this is your opinion of him and what he should do.

Maybe keep thinking about what you want until you can write a statement about what you need, and what actions *you* intend on taking and leave the rest out of it.

My process looked kind of like this.

I need a partner that is sober. I need a partner that is financially responsible by working with me on a budget and *working*. I need a partner that works as a team when we parent. I need a partner that keeps his word. I need a partner I can trust. I need....blah blah blah. Everyone's list will be a little different and I'm finding they change.

My counselor had me do that and it was a good exercise for me even though I didn't even share it with my xah. I had a hard time doing it to be honest.

I could look at my list and determine if he was those things, or if he was not. If he was not - my job was to decide what *I* would do about it - not what I could manipulate to change him. This was a pretty big step for me. I felt *responsible* for manipulating things to get him to change because I was convinced that I knew best. That if only I could find the right words or tactic, the light would come on and everything would fall into place - he would reach awareness and change to meet my idea of who he should be.

Going through that exercise also made me live in reality instead of the land of potential, hope, and dreams of what could be if only he.........would do as I say Reality is who he is. Today.