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Old 11-15-2010, 04:54 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
Bucyn
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 223
"...He explained once again that he loves me and wants me in his life but I need to give him time to heal from his divorce as it is really getting to him again. He said that I am too "deep" and must lighten up a bit..."

What's he doing to heal from his divorce? (Sounds like drink, but...<shrug>)

He wants time, feels pressure from you, etc... So give him time. Maybe tell him that you'll check in with him in six months. Until then it might be best not to see or contact each other so he can focus on his 'healing', after all you certainly don't want to pressure him. (This solution will NOT make him happy).

Red flag that he criticized you as being too deep (whatever that means) and have to (note the word "MUST") lighten up. You have to change if you want him--that's what he's telling you.

Red flag also that he tells you he IS going to drink and when you say 'ok' he's still defensive and tells you he doesn't need your permission. You didn't argue with him, so what's he getting defensive about? In the same vein, he accuses you of pressuring him when you aren't, when it fact it's the other way around. This seems to indicate that he isn't seeing you as you are; that there's an image of you in his head, like a negative fantasy person, that he's reacting too instead of interacting with the real you. He's not seeing the YOU of you. He's superimposing his idea of who you are on you--and is not picking up clues to the opposite, to what's really you.

This will become a bigger and bigger problem if it's true. Because the false you he seems to be superimposing over you is not positive, and it's like he's designing you to be the bad guy in his life: the one pressuring him, the one who thinks needs to give him permission to drink, the one who's too 'deep' and needs to lighten up (btw--it's kind of common for alcoholics to pressure their partners to drink and party with them, I guess it eases their consciences or something. And then get mad when their partner doesn't want to).

In any case, he seems to be perceiving you differently from how you really are, and if that's the case, how can the 'love' he says he feels be real? It's for the false you he's designed in his mind.

I don't know if this makes sense. In your situation, I'd be concerned that he's not reacting to what you are really doing or acting. And I'd be concerned that he's criticizing and expecting you to change in some way.

It's fair that he wants time to heal from his divorce. He might have been separated for 18 months, but he's only been divorced divorced for a couple (six?). Divorce healing doesn't actually start for many people until the deed is done.

Love shouldn't hurt--but it also shouldn't be confusing. If it hurts and is confusing, I'm thinking maybe it's not love.
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