Thread: Blindsided
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Old 11-13-2010, 06:08 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
SarahG
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Midwest
Posts: 26
Originally Posted by Pelican View Post
I didn't arrive in that mess overnight. I didn't extract myself from that mess instantly. I had to start taking baby steps.

It is tricky seperating finances that were once combined. It can be done.

I recommend letting him be responsible for his finances, but protecting your family budget from relapses. example: if he over spends - he allowance is affected not the family grocery budget.
There is no his money/our money. It's all our money. He works and I'm a student/SAHM. I am entirely dependent on him, financially. What I have done is
-take all the cards (there are only 3: my debit card, his debit card, one credit card)
- use the envelope system, a la Dave Ramsey, for expenses (and I know how much is in each, so I can track if any is missing)
- given him an allowance ($20/month, since it's all we can afford)

Honestly, he has no finances. I've taken over everything. (That I know of, and that's the kicker.) We have to have a joint checking account. He's the one with a job, and for his paycheck to be direct deposited, he has to be an account holder. I hate that, but it is what it is. I just keep tabs online of any banking activity. This isn't about being a codie, this is about making sure I have a house to live in and food for the kids. I see these steps as protecting myself. (And I welcome any input you all have about this, if you think there's a better way to handle the family finances.)

There is no other addictive behavior, that I am aware of. He doesn't drink (we've had the same 3 beers in our fridge for about 6 months), doesn't do drugs, doesn't even smoke. Spending is his problem. Right now, not counting the mortgage, we're in debt about $46k. Two credit cards ($32k and $8k) and the minivan. By my budget, that'll be paid off in 5 1/2 years, assuming (yeah, yeah) that there is no more shoveled on to the pile. He makes about $30k a year.


I agree that Alanon will help you gain tools for your future.
I am also going to send a link of steps that have helped us in dealing with active alcoholism. You can tweek the steps for your situation.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Thanks for the links. I want to start working the steps, and finding a little emotional balance. Right now, I'm in shell shock still. Trying to figure out how to handle HIM. He's making the right steps toward being in recovery, but I'm still hopping mad. I have read that to help an addict, a spouse should be supportive of actions toward recovery, but I don't want to be manipulative, either. He recovers or fails on his own - I can't do it for him, nor do I want to push him into "acting" recovered. I want him to work for his own recovery, and own it. Do it for himself, not because I want him to. In order for recovery to be genuine, to actually work, he has to want it because it's what HE wants, not what I want FOR him.

At the same time, I know I need some boundaries. How do I establish those, without manipulation? The only things that I can see are "Stop spending. If you spend, be honest and tell me right away. If you lie, I'll know you're not sincere about saving our marriage, and you can pack your bags." It just feels like I'm trying to push him into recovery when I say that. I do want him to recover, but I want him to be intrinsically motivated, not motivated by fear. I know I can't control his behavior, and I feel like that kind of ultimatum is an attempt at control.

Did any of that make sense?
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