I was trying to wrap my head around this very issue today. The conclusion I came to is:
> I want to change, because habits and behavior I learned from being around alcoholics make my life (relationships, job, even just feeling comfortable with myself for any amount of time) difficult, to say the least. From alanon, I have learned I am not alone. Being around alcoholics, be they a wife, husband, parents, or children, seems to magically create thought patterns that are hard to shake, even if the alcoholic or alcoholism has left our lives. Alcoholism/codependency is the 'gift' that keeps on giving.
I think of this as 'Step zero'.
> I can't change me by myself. Sitting in a room alone, I am not going to make any change at all. I can't do brain surgery on myself.
This is my powerlessness. I am sure some have stopped using/drinking/obsessing on their own, but I haven't heard of anyone achieving at least some degree of serenity and comfort with themselves without help that was external to their own will and knowledge.
Self+Self=Self; no change there. I think of this as Step 1.
> I think admitting one needs help makes one buy a self-help book, go to a therapist, join a group, or start posting on a web site. We admit we lack the tools to fix ourselves. Some recovery programs focus on will alone as the key to recovery (such as rational recovery), but they still advise buying their book (cd, software, ect.). Thus we look to a power greater than ourselves (or at least greater than our problem). Like me, many find some of that power in the sharing of a group.
Self+Other=Change. I think of this as Step 2.
> I believe that the power of any program, including 12 step programs, lie in making me work my recovery. It gives me homework.
I recall some famous study that showed that learning most most effective when students did something active (such as riding a bike or writing), and reading was less effective, and listening the least effective. So I think we recover best when we 'turn over' our problems and our recovery to the guidance of something else, be it God, a group, nature. For me the key is committing to being guided by a will other than my own. That will can be the order one senses in nature itself, or the sound advice one hears from a group, or what a functional and fully self-accepting me would do and say.
I turn my will and life over to what I think will guide me best. In my case, I do believe in that there is conscious presence in the universe and he/she/they/it is aware of me and can well guide me better than I can guide myself. Sometimes, my belief gets weak and a simply think of the collective wisdom of my alanon group.
If Self+Other=Change, then 'Other' is damn important in my life. I think of this as Step 3.
I choose to work the rest of the steps, 4 to 12, and I choose to work them in Alanon. YMMV.
Full disclosure: I have gone to 5 therapists over the years, and none produced the progress that I have achieved in Alanon. Part of the reason for this is that having been raised by 2 alcoholics, I am an instinctive people-pleaser. I think I wanted my therapists to feel like they were helping, even though I was paying them! My alanon group does not let me get away with that.
Yeah, I get a little uncomfortable with the hug stuff, but its a pretty small sacrifice considering what I get out of meetings.