I used to actually think "I wish he'd hit me, or I wish he'd cheat on me." I thought that would give me a clear reason to leave. Permission to leave. I was struggling with this need for permission when I first came here and SR helped me A LOT with that. The idea that I just gave myself permission. It didn't come from him and there wasn't some grand checklist of horrible behavior I needed to use. He could quit drinking (he was just going to rehab when I came here) and I could still give myself permission to leave.
I don't really know if that resonates with you personally but when I read posts like your other one the thought always occurs to me that people are searching for something that they can point to and say 'See, things are this bad, I can leave.' A search for a way of giving ourselves permission.
Someone had written me a very meaningful post on giving myself permission that was said much better then I am saying it! If you'd like you can pm me and I'll go find it.