The purpose of the Friends and Families forums is stated above. It reads very simply, but it's more complicated than that.
Each of us gets here in our own time, from our own place. A person doesn't end up at a site like SR if they have a happy, normal, healthy life.... instead, someone has been on the internet, searching for help, support, or answers to a situation that is troubling. I know I was, and thank god I found this place.
I had already been going to Al Anon for about 9 years when I found this forum. I had learned some of what I needed to learn, and I had stubbornly resisted making some of the changes I needed to make in my own life and in my own thinking. Like I said, we all get here in our own time.
I spent many a late night and early morning here, when my mind was racing and I was consumed with so much fear that it was hard to think or breathe, let alone sleep. I quickly found some people with whom I connected, and a few others who just irritated the crud out of me. At first I wanted to correct them when I thought they were wrong, but just like in real life, I figured out I didn't have to like all of them or get along with all of them. I could, as they say in the closing of an Al Anon meeting, "take what you liked and leave the rest."
AND I could use that magical IGNORE button if I just couldn't tolerate what someone else was saying.
Looking back on my own Al Anon recovery for the past years, I can laugh-gently- at myself now. I had my own personal issues growing up, that unique and odd blend of relatives and situations that help to direct my thoughts and emotions and ways of coping with what life put in front of me. I was primed and ready in my teens to be a bit of an insecure, people pleasing martry. I had to struggle through some of that and deal with some really yukky stuff as a result.
I think many of us get here, exhausted from the struggle, at our wits end. We just want that ONE thing that will take the pain out of our life. That ONE thing we haven't thought of, that one word or phrase, that one magical treatment, the book or CD or whatever it is that will make him (or her) stop doing whatever he's doing. If we could find the magic answer that would make him see the light, make some positive changes in his life, then OUR lives would be better. Plain and simple.
Sadly, it doesn't work like that. No matter how smart we are, no matter how much money we have, no matter how much we love them, it doesn't work like that. No matter how much we try, we cannot control another person's compulsion or disease. I had an AHA moment... and realized it would have been all over the news and on Oprah if there really was a way. We aren't unique, this family disease, this disease of relationships, has been around since the beginning of time.
Back to the purpose of this site. It's a place for us to come together to share our struggles, learn some new ways of thinking, support one another thru trials and successes. Because it's the internet, there's a false sense of anonymity and security here. People will share more intimate details of their thoughts and actions with online "friends" than they will in real life. It helps to remember that we really don't "Know" anyone here, we only know what they choose to share.
Some people feel so out of control in their real life. The people around them won't do what they should do, and they don't feel the least bit respected. Here they can offer their wisdom and counsel, and someone might say "thank you that was really helpful." It can boost the self esteem, or it can pour fuel on the I-know-what-is-best-for-you fire.
There are those people who will "get it" and those who won't. Some set up permanent residency here, and they spend much more time in this world than they do in their own lives. Others come here, learn some things that put them on a path of self discovery and growth. Some get the support they need from others who have gone before them, and they can listen and take action accordingly.
It's a process, and a helpful one. Time takes time, and recovery will come to those who really seek it. For others, the pain will continue until they've had enough.
Hugs and love
Cats
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