I understand, but it's still very difficult
I can fully appreciate the advice that I've received on this board. I understand that this is a two-sided sword. On one side, every time I go see her (or engage with her in any way), I am putting my sobriety at risk. On the other hand, every time I attempt to take care of her (and believe me, I've tried), that sort of codependent behavior only prolongs her being in her disease.
I just find it extremely painful thinking about the fact that she's out there, truly suffering. I have trouble sleeping at night knowing that potentially her life is at risk, by the very manner in which she drinks - as if she's trying to kill herself.
Finally, on a personal level, I keep remembering how great our relationship was, when we were both working a program. it was my first truly authentic relationship with another woman, and I believe it was vice-versa. It is very painful to see just how quickly everything changed, once she chose to cope with life by seeking the bottle. Going from one extreme to the next - well I feel like I'm morning the death of a loved one. But it's worse, because she's still here, and continues to make attempts to reach out to me.