When I first came to SR back in 2007, I posted the very same post. No lie.
The truth is, over time, I came to understand a few things, and a few things about this still rattle around in my head.
Here is what I have come to know about my A, who while he was an active drinker exhibited all those same behaviors.:
---His whole family are pretty narissistic. One brother escaped the family right out of high school and went into psychology, learned a lot, and is kind of a confidante for me now. He acknowledges that his family has some "quirks" in the personality disorder department. He feels strongly that many of the behaviors were learned, and can be unlearned, or chosen.
----The active alcoholic in my A is a different person, the alcohol actually alters brain routings. He was unfeeling, desperate at times and did do things, anything to get what he needed, to keep his matrix of denial in place, to ensure he could get and have his drug without obstruction.
---My A was able to be warm and feeling toward people in his life that did not pose a threat to his addiction upkeep. He had relationships with women, with friends in which he was not playing a game, so to speak. He did have it in him. I PLAYED A THREATENING role in his dynamic. He treated me badly because I loved him and had the goal to get him away from alcohol, which essentially made me an enemy.
After learning all the things that I listed above, I came to one major understanding that has been repeated here at SR by many of the wiser and more advanced detached posters. And it is this
---If you are experiencing treatment from a person in your life that makes you wonder if they are a sociopath, and they are drinking, not drinking, under stress, not under stress...does it really matter? If you are experiencing it that way, then you are dealing with it whether they are a sociopath or not. the question is, do you want it? Is it right? Is it fair?
I have read a few of your posts, and you sound like you are in need of a loving person, one who can help you. It sounds like your significant other, while not drinking, is still not providing you with safety or love the way you (or any person) would deserve.
I imagine it is tough, since you are in a position of need, and maybe your financial status is too tangled to just walk away from him. Maybe you need him for things that are inherent, but he is emotionally not roviding, and that sounds absolutely true.
I wish you luck. I hope that you can find the strength to walk away.
My situation is hard, because mine is sober, but not working his program. 6 weeks sober, 3 weeks out of treatment. He is warm and loving, he is responsive to communication. But..he is troubled, and he is not that utilitarian to have around, yet.
Sometimes I feel like it would be better to not have him here at all, then I would be alone, but I would not have to field all the resentment towrd someone being there, but not helping.
This is my experience. I hope it helps. Bless you.