tsukiko

Monster post on 'the addict' and 'the sociopath'...lol...sorry guys, but there if anyone does want a read :P


Disclaimer first, *I'm not a psychologist by any means; this is just my opinion.*

The characterises of a sociopath overlap into many 'disorders' or psychological profiles, but I think the defining point is that many alcoholics, at least the ones I know, display those traits because they're alcoholic and many of these characteristics are also alcoholic traits or behaviours (eg. developing pathological lying over the years).

I think a difference between behaviour and motives needs to be made. Sociopaths are able, without alcohol / drugs, to 'switch off' their conscience or consciously manipulate their own sense of right and wrong to get what they want without experiencing shame / guilt. Alcoholics (generally) often feel huge levels of shame / guilt which fuels many of the behaviours or characteristics described in the sociopathic profile (eg. paranoia, rage). Alcoholics often drink to 'block out' their conscience, then - in turn- their drinking and behaviours they indulge in to acquire alcohol and because of lacking inhibitions *because they're drunk / drinking causes them to repeat / continue those behaviours.

As i grew up, I showed less and less, then no regard for laws / rules / social convention etc. People believed I had grandiose notions about myself – I of course disagreed. I didn’t believe I was ‘above’ the law...I simply decided to live, as I saw it, ‘beyond’ the law. I was very aware, from a young age, of the difference between ‘shouldn’t’ and ‘can’t’ ; people would say ‘You can’t break the law’...this is, of course, wholly untrue.

Noel Gallagher once said: ‘When your father beats you within an inch of your life, yet you are still alive, when you regain consciousness you stop fearing anything– [thus] you realise you can do anything.’

I made my own rules very literally. Outwardly, it seemed I was the most confident, fearless and ‘wild’ girl out there. Consequently, instead of being disliked and despite being accused of being cruel, people were attracted to me, even when I treat them with utter indifference.

...I got described as a sociopath -not diagnosed, but described- by numerous doctors throughout my teens. Maybe I was, as I said; I am not a psychologist and even if I was we cannot diagnose ourselves, controversially.

Certainly, I was told I was intimidating and domineering, but that, like most things, is a matter of perspective; I was accused of being domineering and intimidating by people with their own psychological profile and who in themselves felt intimidated or that they hd been dominted by me. In my (conscious) mind, I was just making sure ‘they’ (people generally) knew that I did not care at all who or what they were, as long as they knew if their life or actions in anyway affected mine that I would,like a ship in a storm hitting a rock, not be the thing that broke if we collided. And like a rock, in my mind, I was static; ships found and hit me, not the other way around. Again, there is no objective truth, even in hindsight, some people would disagree with that. Some people would say I was the ship and they were the rock.

Speaking about my own feelings / thoughts though -

When I realised as a very young child that poverty is real, war is real, that adults don’t know everything and instead saw that they acted out of fear, lack of control, neurosis etc ...I was repulsed and, ironically I realise now,I was terrified. Consequently, I began to see myself differently. I didn’t see the person I became as one of ‘those people’, I guess I didn’t want to, so my reaction was to simply try make sure anyone who ‘started’ with me was quickly aware that ‘I am not a victim, you won’t hurt me and you can’t...because you are nothing, to me. ‘

And if I hurt anyone then that was their problem – if you choose to be weak enough or let people hurt you / be vulnerable then you also accept the possible (and very probable) consequences – that you will get hurt. You’ve no right to complain because you made that choice. I never hurt intentionally; way I saw it, I acted ‘cruelly’ to open people’s eyes (in my mind) to the fact that they were victims because they chose to be...that they, just as much as me, used people. I simply used people openly and honestly. They, being weak, used people like a knife to cut themselves, then cry about it to feed their neurosis and be a victim. Thus, I was either being the knife they craved or being the eye-opener to make them realise that’s what they were doing. –Hence being accused of grandiose delusions about my own self worth, which –in turn and characteristically- I shrugged off as ignorance, being, as I was, wholly aware of my utter insignificance.

But my point is, yes, I treat the world and everyone in it with indifference...BUT I did that BECAUSE the alternative was to feel constant overwhelming empathy and just pain that I couldn’t do anything...

Broken down and in hindsight, it is pretty simple, or can be expressed simply considering the complexity of the human psyche: Nihilism was my reaction to the human condition and indifference was my reaction to nihilism.

BUT I did feel emotion – too strongly. I did feel empathy – too much of it, and that is WHY I appeared to be a sociopath, ironically and why I think many alcoholics / addicts are accused of being sociopaths. And I am constantly tempted to revert to being that way because I am all too aware of my own weakness, my own fear, my own humanity.

Does that mean all those accused of being sociopaths are? Or that all addicts are sociopaths or that no addict is because it is being an addict which fuels them to develop or display sociopathic characteristics? Or that the ‘sociopath’ is wrongly defined? Or that there’s another, a ‘better’, word to describe the above character? Or that you can be a sociopath and recover? Or that, like people say of the addict, sociopaths forever battle against being sociopathic?

Well, that’s what the study of psychology is, and personally where I’ve gotta’ quote what black said...

I was eventually diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I eventually got ‘clean enough’ to sieve out the behaviours / moods etc of being an active addict.

These days, my ‘character’ is unrecognisable from what it was – I am constantly working for simultaneous charities. I choose to live below the poverty line in order to at least try to give what money, time and skills I have or can attain to help out anyone who asks for a hand. I’m described as ‘too tolerant’ or ‘too patient’ and frustrate people by being ‘too open minded’ and ‘too forgiving’. Yet, I’m still accused constantly of ‘plying Devil’s advocate’...I hope I always am.

I agree with black; It’s always a matter of perspective. I’m still, by definition, a nihilist and I still don’t see ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ in the world. There’s what a person can do, can’t do and, essentially, what they choose to do. I think what a person chooses is all that matters in that it is all that makes them and the world for them...and that opinion has never changed for me -back then or now. Whether people wanna’ call me sociopath, bipolar, junkie...idiot,*shrugs. Whatever.