Hey, NYC! I got sober at Fireside first time around. In Boulder now which is oddly filled with NYC folk from AA - we call it the Hamptons of the Rockies. Anyway, you are all correct and I'm sure if I were to offer support to myself with some distance of perspective, i'd say something similar. I don't think this is really about HIM, exactly. In fact he's just a piece of the pie. This is about FEAR. I am cocooned in fear.
I just separated from my husband after a decade. During those ten years I got sober which helped me realize that despite our best and most dedicated intentions, our marriage didn't have long-term potential. I also realized I really didn't want to practice law anymore so I went to culinary school and became a pastry chef. However, I somehow managed to have three children (I hear sex had something to do with it) as well as move with my husband to six major cities to be supportive of his career. This past summer we moved again, I learned my youngest has asperger's, my dad has the early onset of Alzheimers and I've been trying to get my business off the ground here. And drinking during all of that was SUPER sensible, huh? Anyway, I'm afraid of lots of stuff and fear sends me rapidly to my childhood abandonment issues. I understand what is going on and I understand what I need to do to make it feel better, but gosh if I don't feel like telling somebody they are mean and suck rather than saying the serenity prayer! Probably a good thing I am doing my 5th step today.
Oh and my kids are doing much better now. There is laughter and structure in the house again, although the laundry piles remain and that's fine. Their father and I remain dear friends and he is incredibly supportive of my recovery.