Old 11-09-2010, 06:37 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
clara
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 6
long distance boyfriend shut down communication until i'm three months sober

I'm new to this site but really want some feedback. I posted aversion of this this somewhere else on the site, but it was suggested that I come to this forum. A year ago I relapsed after ten years of sobriety. My husband (not an alcoholic) with whom I share three young children and I separated. It was a respectful but permanent separation and very sad. Because I hadn't stayed close to either the rooms or my old sponsor I was obviously vulnerable to relapse. During the past year, I began dating an old friend long distance who is also in recovery. He knew I had relapsed but I wasn't fully honest with him (or anyone) about the fact that I was continuing to relapse and becoming incredibly frightened that I'd never be able to stop, show up for anyone, be a decent mother, ever function normally in a relationship or be able to do all the independent things i'd once done while sober. It was easy to hide the actual drinking from him because we live in different states, spoke daily by phone and visited one another every couple of weeks. But my spiraling behavior was not easy to hide. When I was with him I did not drink. However, our daily phone conversations were another story - we usually spoke late at night and I was generally drinking wine, and a bit of it. I was sick at heart that I was lying to him and everyone and over the course of the summer I became increasingly depressed, desperate, clutching and needy. I wasn't myself anymore. It caused problems between us. I became very negative and needy and dark and one night he abruptly ended our conversation and completely withdrew from me. I tried to contact him every way I knew how but he wouldn't budge nor explain his sudden withdrawal (although I really knew). I plummeted and took a bunch of pills while drunk a week later and ended up in the er. He knows what happened and wrote me an email telling me that after learning that I was safe, he had decided that he would not communicate with me in any way for 90 days. He said I'd become dark and uninteresting and that I needed to focus on nothing but my recovery and showing up for my children for three months and he did not want to interfere with that process. He said that although he loved me, he felt i was using him the same way i used alcohol - as a way not to focus on myself - and I needed to focus on becoming self-affirming, independent and find joy within myself and not look to him or another man for affirmation or I would continue to cycle through pain. He hasn't budged. I've been incredibly angry with him but as time has gone by and i'm continuing to get more sober time under my belt, i think i understand although i still think it was really, really harsh and I'm hurt and don't know where we'll go from here. i don't even know what our status is anymore. I've got 21 more days to go till he'll talk to me. Can anyone offer their opinion on this situation? I'm so hurt, but I have focused on getting sober and I've calmed down quite a bit but still don't know how i should feel about what he did. thoughts?

I forgot to say that I have NEVER attempted suicide and would have never dreamed I'd even consider it a possibility. But then again I never would have dreamed during my sober time that I'd ever drink again and jeapardize (sp) the many blessings I have. That is where alcohol, isolation and dishonesty took me. I regretted it immediately and called 911. I'm very grateful. I know I shouldn't think beyond the present moment, but this is someone I truly love. And I am worried I lost him through my actions. And I used to be such a put together person! I wasn't self-seeking and showed up for everyone and that's the person he knew. But I'm just so confused. I generally do a good job of not thinking about it and just focus on feeling joy in life again and building a solid sober base again, but i'd be lying if i said i wasn't worried, sad and confused. I love him and the fear that i lost him still surfaces. going to meetings daily, praying and talking to sponsor but it still really hurts and i'd love some feedback.
thanks so much, clara
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