Thats my biggest problem.. I am always joked about as being the "helper" and so on. I see a problem and want it fixed, I think its why I stuck it out so long. I realized a long time ago I couldnt change him, or control his drinking, and I had to turn my back, it hurt but I did it, for my own well being. I think whats hurts the most is now that he is sober its as if he is the same person, it amazes me what he does and says and I always thought he did or said these things cause he was drunk, but Im learning its the same behaviour... A hard learning expeierence for me, and whats hurting is thinking that being in recovery, giving it up, things would get better, not worse.. I feel like it all fell apart, my hopes and dreams as well.
I am willing to walk with him on this road but its hard when I feel like im the punching bag. Im finding everything he blames me for is the things I think he is feeling, guilt or the perfect example is the punching bag. He tells me he is my punching bag! I dont even bring my problems to him anymore and if I do I talk to him about it. I know I am not perfect by all means, but I know I cant be at fault ALL the time.. Its taking away my selfworth and I find myself second guessing myself to often.
I hope you didnt think what I wrote was in the aspect of controlling him, he can do what he wants, and I understand peoples marriages after decades fell apart too, many dreams and hope crushed. I just realize I have become a mess.
I guess is this behaviour temporary or just something I am going to have to learn to deal with? does it get better? I know I need to focus on myself and am going to my first Al-anon today at 6:30.. I am excited actually.. but is there ways to speak to him without it being a blow up? I just dont think walking on eggshells is too easy especially when I dont know what move to make next.. call or not call, text or not text..
And his violence actually happened twice... not that it is justified, not at all, nor do i allow him to forget it when things get out of control, it weas also off two bottles of Jack and than some. It was a long time ago, he hasnt gotten violent in a long time, we now walk away from one another in fights..
I didnt have a problem, or maybe I did with the drink, but I havent drank in almost 3 months. I drank as much as any party girl did, and than a few years ago it just started to dwindle. I do not drink anymore, mainly because of what I have been thru with him, the minute I see liquor my stomach hurts, I also feel guilty and mad now.. its been MONTHS since I drank and when I did than it was a few drinks, so even in that aspect I try to help him, it is never in my home. ( i dont know if that matters LOL)
Freedom I hope this was better and thank you!