Originally Posted by Andrea831

Hey there.. I have been a relationship with my A for about 6 years. We met as kids and I knew his behaviour wasnt normal but again we were young and I guess I justified it or chaulked it down to us partying.

As the years went on we were on and off, partially because he had moved 4 hours away. I wasnt to well aware of how severe his problem was. I moved here about 2 years ago. It was then I realized how bad it really has gotten, he moved in right away and went from working to not working, ALWAYS drinking.

I realize at the time I was and am (I beleive) the definition of enabler. I put up with it for a year and left him for 5 months. Packed everything and left, at this point his behaviour got violent and distructive to himself and myself. During the 5 months we kept in touch, the one thing I do know is he does love me, how I do not know yet, but I know he does, and so in talks I decided to move back into the area (which i grew to love, its affordable, I can make good money and I was happier here in the first place).

We didnt jump right back into the relationship and so right now we live seperatly, I beleive cause we have roommates. He did not give up the drinking and so I gave up and walked. I guess he drank himself into oblivian, got into a fight, and almost killed himself witht he drink. He called me saying he needed help. I went over there and begged him to stop and he has now for almost 2 months.

Now in these years I have learned you can not change someone, they have to want the change, and I learned alot of things these past years in being with him, all I know I can do is encourage him to be the man he wants to be, its all I can do. Now that he is not drinking he seems to hate me. He even has told me he is losing feelings on the relationship. That I complain to much, or I do alot for him, but apparently its not enough, he is just very selfish.

After reading posts and so on, I notice this is normal behaviour for someone so new to recovery. I even presented to him, if he needed a break if it would help with recovery (which I dont want to do, but I want to see him recover from this, he is 29 and i am 31, we both want a family and so on but obviously cant do that now), I try EVERYTHING, he also hasnt gone to his AA in 3 weeks.

I am going tonight to my first Al- Anon, mainly cause I need help, He is making me feel alot of things are my fault ad has even told me I would be the one to drive him back to drinking. If I withdraw and try to take a step back, than he automatically thinks I am trying to break it off or be detached, if I try to fix the arguement or solve the problem, im at fault. Its anything I do, and his out bursts are getting so angry, not violent, but i mean real good outbursts.

This sometimes I wonder is harder than the drinking in itself. I want to help him, I dont want to loose him, I do love him and through the years he is and was my best friend. We met because his sister was actually and is still my closest friend as well. Its been years and I have stood by him every step of the way, the times he quit to the times he relapsed. I know what I did in the past is enabling but I have gone to the end and back for him.

Him acting like this is messing me up emotionally as well, I feel so down about us, I feel jipped, I feel worn, and most fo all confused. I am worried about him and making sure he doesnt relapse, he is so proud of himself, but he is also very stubborn and feels everything else in his life is good now but us. I cant seem to talk to him, whenever I do the convo gets reversed and in the end I wind up feeling, alone, beat up and bitter, used.

I do not know what to do or where to go from here. Like I said I love him with all my heart and when no one else wanted to deal or help, gave up on him, even his own family, I stood there, now its like everyone else is best and I am knocked out of the ring, even our sex life has dwindled into something I dont even know how to except (we were always very active).

I dont want to walk away after so many years invested into the relationship and so many years invested into him and helping him get it right, he has admitted many times before without me he may not even be alive, it just seems the past few weeks this is all null and void.

He even flipped on me today over him spilling coffee, turning into my fault, turning into him hating his life, turning into its good he is going out to his brothers, we need a break, to everything is all me, AGAIN. WHAT DO I DO????????

He says now its cause he remembers things, our fights, before he was drunk and didnt... Could what he be saying is true? Do relationships often split during this time? Should I stop tryiong for us? I am willing to give him the time he needs, but he will go from wanting to get me a ring for xmas to hating my guts, I tell you sometimes I enter a room and I can feel the hatred.. I just sit and cry, Alot, I feel so alone in this with him, I feel like the bad guy.. his family isnt educated on these things (obviously) so I dont know what they are telling him, but the things he says just arent him, like I said everything is Null and void now.

I am so heart broken. I am at a lose at this point, losing him scares me, we have been thru hell and back, years... I dont know what to do. For everyone who read this and wrote back I do thank you. I really can use the adivse.