Dear Bolina,
Thank you for your response. The problem is not so much his behavior- he doesn't get mean, nasty, rude, or abusive. I don't want to delve too much into the language and technicalities of alcoholism, but if I had to guess, I'd say he is a high-functioning alcoholic? If anything, he just gets more 'like himself'? He is a pretty laid back fellow with a great personality. Drinking doesn't really affect his personality. It's the amount that bothers me so much. Being healthy is really, really important to me. I am by no means, a Jillian 'What's Her Name From Biggest Loser', but I do appreciate the importance of healthy choices. And, I approach alcohol with what I believe is a healthy respect. I like to drink, but I also know my limits and I know that too much alcohol is not healthy (just like anything else in excess).
I will give the background of our relationship:
When we started dating:
BF- 38, about 4 months in to a separation, 2 children (F-6, M-18 months)
Me- 31, single, never married, no children
Immediately we were totally into each other. Sparks, fireworks, magical moments- all that good 'honeymoon' stuff. We had fun, fantastic physical chemistry, great conversations- we just totally dug each other right off the bat. I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about. Simultaneously, I also noticed that my little voice in my head would say to me 'Whoa, did he just order another drink? Didn’t he just got one??!!', or 'Wow, he drank so much last night, how can he possibly want to drink again tonight?'.
I would repress that little voice until I couldn’t hold it in any longer (my fault, I know). All that was bottled up would come rushing out in anger, usually triggered by something pretty inconsequential, and it usually also happens after I’ve had a few drinks (again, I know this is a problem of mine, so I really try to moderate my drinking, which has really, really helped me control my anger). I would try to explain to him how uncomfortable I was with his drinking. We would have endless talks about drinking, with him sometimes saying ‘yes, I could probably drink less’, but never really doing anything to change the amount that he chooses to drink.
It is important to point out that, yes, I drink too. As referenced above, when I drink too much there is a big chance that I will get angry. It’s not really that I’m ‘getting’ angry, the anger is already there. It’s just that when I’m sober I’m able to communicate my emotions/concerns/frustrations pretty well. But put a few beers in me, and I can go from being perfectly happy to absolutely irate in about 2 seconds. BF and I have talked about this ad nauseam. I went to a therapist, thus beginning my own journey of self-discovery. I probably have 15 self help books- and have gleaned at least one helpful nugget of wisdom from each one. I believe I am fairly self-aware. I have flaws, and I try to work with them. I am beginning to think that my anger is a fairly normal reaction to my being completely disgusted by BF’s abuse of alcohol. And, as long as he’s still abusing, I’m still going to be angry.
The above cycle has gone on for the past 3 years. We had one 3-4 month stretch where we did not fight about it, but I think that was because I was so focused on controlling my own anger that I wasn’t really letting myself get distracted by his drinking.
I think it all boils down to this: I want him to approach alcohol the way I do. To which his response is 'so, you want me to be like you?' I realize that I cannot impose my beliefs/values on him. I also realize that I cannot change him. Although, for the past three years I have been hoping that he would realize that his behavior regarding alcohol is more than unhealthy, it is downright dangerous.
So, about three months ago I consulted the Mayo Clinic's website (what I believe to be a fairly reliable, non-biased, medical resource) to ascertain what 'healthy drinking' is. According to their literature, an adult male can consume what amounts to 20 ounces of hard alcohol per week and be considered 'healthy'. BF is consuming 60 ounces on average per week. Three times the recommended healthy amount. To me, this was a huge red flag.
I mustered up the courage to talk to BF about this. His response was ‘Thank you for being concerned. I do need to cut down on drinking’.
That was a month ago. No change. I approached him about this two days ago (Sunday). His response was that ‘It is really hard to live up to your standards’. Mind you, this was two days after he got so blindingly drunk that he actually left me at a bar because he realized he was annihilated and needed to go home. I have to say that this level of drunk is a rarity, but still, very, very disturbing for me.
I feel like I have no fight left in me. In the past, after one of our episodes, I was always filled with a motivation to ‘make things work’ to ‘get us back on track’. But, today I am not at all motivated to do such a thing. I am contemplating cutting my losses before we both end up hating each other. I do not think I want to go through the process of BF in recovery. I have several friends whose spouses are recovering alcoholics and I know that what lies ahead is a very, very hard road… IF he even gets to the point of acknowledging that he has a problem. I suspect he is in total denial.
Wow, you’re right, it does feel good to get this down on paper.
I appreciate you giving me the opportunity to ask for help.
I am happy to fill in whatever seems to be missing!!
Thank you!!!!