hotpeppers

Well my wife is drinking again. Not sure how long she stayed off, if at all. She's very good at hiding it. She stopped paying with the debit card directly. She now takes cash out at the grocery store so it looks like "groceries" in the bank statement and pays cash for the booze. I had my suspicions she was doing that. I also noticed her mood at night. She very high functioning and I think she spaces out her drinking so that she can still drive the kids to their activities and not be under the influence (but I'm not 100% sure of that). I think she drinks about 1L of wine a day (starting from around 3:30pm) but again not 100% sure because she hides it well.

Recently I had a day off. She had forgotten about it which meant she could not openly drink with me around. She was okay from 3:30pm (when she comes home from work) until around 7pm when I started noticing she looked miserable (cranky). She always kept a brave smile on pretending nothing was wrong. "Just tired" she would say. We usually go to bet around 10pm. She did not want to go up just yet. She wanted me to go up to bed 1st and she'll join me afterward. I knew she needed a drink. I tried to say that no it's okay you go 1st, I'll stay up ... I'm not tired anyways. She did not like that. Anyways, I did go up and she did have a drink because she was much happier when she came upstairs.

I've been going through so many emotions. I've been crying alot ... sometimes even at work where I head for the bathroom. Imagine a 40yr old guy crying his eyes out. It's scarring the crap out of me.

I've decided to confront her this weekend (Sunday morning) because she will be sober for sure. I've written a 3-4 page letter with my thoughts feelings, etc... because I can't just say it without getting confused, especially if she interrupts me. I'm afraid of what she will say or react. My biggest hope is that she admits she has a problem. I want to hold her and hug her and tell her all will be okay. When I think of my kids, that's when the tears usually open up.

I'm prepared to let her know that I will take the kids everywhere from now on. I'm prepared to create another bank account and have MY pay deposited into it. I'm prepared to tell my kids (that will be so hard). God forbid, if I see she still does not want to admit there's a problem and I see no "real" effort to get better, I will have to ask her to leave. I love her so much but I'm going crazy. I need help too.

My letter (that I will read to her) will also contain tons of info on how to get better (websites, phone numbers, etc...).

Hopefully, my next post will be good news. (hugs, good thoughts and prayers welcome).

big sigh .... sorry for my mixed up jumbled thoughts ... I was typing as ideas came in my head with no thoughts to organization.