Hi UsedToBeAPearl.
Sorry to hear that you are in this situation however I am delighted that you have had this realization. Being aware of the situation we are in is the first step to resolving it, I think. (Part of the 3 As - Awareness, Acceptance, Action).
The sticky link that Dee posted has loads of useful stickies and I think
Wheel of Power and Control is one of the clearest representations of forms of abuse I have seen. Worth digging around that site too because it has other useful info such as
Dynamics of Abuse. Also, this book
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft is excellent.
The physical aggression is particularly worrying. It is a threat - it could be
you I break next time, if you don't keep in line. When I was in a similar situation, one of my biggest lightbulb moments was when I realized that this was not loving behavior. Would someone who loved me act in this way? Sounds crazy that this was a suprise to me, but that's all part of the dynamic. I got so ground down and unsure of my own feelings because of his manipulation that I was in a fog. Speaking of the fog, this
http://www.outofthefog.net/CommonNon...s/Toolbox.html is a great website. It is for those involved with someone with a personality disorder but the resources are some of the best I've seen for dealing with an abusive partner.
This is not your fault. The things he is blaming you for are the things that
he is (not) doing. Whenever he accuses you, keep in mind that he is telling you who he is. But make sure you keep that in your mind, though, because sharing that awareness could be dangerous.
Can you contact a local domestic violence center for some real life advice?