I was at a interestingly similar point in my decade-long relationship with my XABF. It was always about his drinking. Our biggest fights were after a long binge of his and he would always throw everything at me but the kitchen sink the next day. He'd cry, he'd apologize, he'd accuse me of driving him to drink, he'd promise the moon, he'd bargain..on and on.
When I got into recovery and starting detaching my thoughts from his drinking and leaving that on the back burner, I started seeing the relationship more clearly and what I wanted out of it. In all, I realized I just wasn't being treated well. I wasn't feeling respected. I wasn't being heard. I wasn't being loved and appreciated. I wasn't feeling comfortable in my own home. I was craving attention and affection and when I did receive it there was always a catch with it, I felt manipulated in many ways.
What I wanted was to trust, to love and be loved, to listen and then feel heard.
I stopped fussing about the drinking and told him that I wanted these things. I told him how I wanted to be treated and that I wanted to be happy. It was XABF who kept bringing it back to the alcohol. That was his excuse for not treating me well. For him it was the alcohol that made him angry and volatile. The alcohol made him dislike me.
I told him again that I wanted to be treated a certain way by the man in my life. I was willing to make every effort to treat him the same way, but if he could not give me what I wanted I would move on.
He came back with promises to stop drinking. I stopped him short and told him I didn't care if he drunk every day for the rest of his life, which would be a lot shorter understandably in that case, but if he treated me well and could give back what he was getting from me in the relationship, then it didn't matter to me. I wanted an equal partner in love and life. If he could be that, then how and when he consumed beer would not be an issue.
I left the decision to him to decide if he could treat me the way I wanted and I had to be prepared to accept the outcome if he decided he couldn't.
I certainly thought he could do it, although in my heart I knew his addiction to alcohol would make it almost impossible for him to. In the end he decided he couldn't be a drinker and be a good partner. His action, not his words, told me so. I focused on how I felt around him and how I felt treated rather than any drinking.
We separated 1 yr and 3 mos ago. It was the best decision for me even though he had a big part in making it.
Best to you!
Alice.