well finally saw the doc today and hes referred me for counselling was prob a done deal when i couldnt control the tears in front of a stranger which was so out of character for me was like me watching someone else thinking what the heck are u doing it was very surreal.So now i gotta just wait i have to have an assessment first then they deciede if i need to have counselling i would yes i do as my feeling are all over the place atm ok one min weepy the next then angry then a mixture of it all only thing i keep hanging onto is my meetings that feels like my only sanity atm.
Im also still in mid getting my things back mode after listening to some more dramas going on yesterday but well now even that felt odd though cos could feel myself disconnecting from it like he was trying to get a reaction and there just was none all i said was well ermm i dont know what u would like me to say i got all the im sorrys and i get that prob deep down he prob is and i get that he thinks in his booze brain that i could take up where she left off with all her stds and i ermm no way could i so for now the only thing thats happening is im going to fetch my things back before someone ends up setting fire to em or something.
Im trying to sort out getting to more meetings too think one a week aint enough its just one is in really rough area shootings etc and the other day time one well the train goes there but have no idea from station but i shall find out where it is and i plan trying to get to an AA one too as then maybe i can let some of this anger go that maybe i will accept this is not something hes doing personally to hurt me that he cant control it cos right now im struggling with that.
We do have an open meeting coming up and one of the speakers is gonna be from AA so that will be interesting i think.
I feel ok atm though better than i did this morning maybe cos someone listened and tomorrow im going back to pilates cos my back has really taken alot of battering lately cos the muscle strength i had isnt there anymore so will have to work hard to bring it back with my bone probs its important but lately ive just let myself go really have so back to looking after number one me
xxxx