Chicory,
There are many moms on this forum and also on Friends and Family of Substance Abusers. We know the pain and fear involved in having our children be addicted. You're right, it's different when it's a child vs a boyfriend or spouse. The wise people here on SR told me that I could love my son right into his grave if I wasn't careful. They helped me to understand that he had to take responsibility for his own life and his own consequences, and that it was the most loving thing I could do to push him out the door to do that.
I had to work thru all of my conflicting emotions. Here's a letter I wrote during one of my darker times. I was able to post it here on SR and got the support I needed from other parents who had gone before me
Dear Son,
It was good to talk with you on the phone last night, but it was painful at the same time. I could hear the pain and frustration in your voice, and I know that you are struggling mightily with some things in your life right now.
Although it was difficult, I said “no” again. It’s not because I don’t love you… I say NO because I love you so very much.
BECAUSE I love you, you can’t come home
BECAUSE I love you, I won’t give you money to pay your rent, your cell phone, your car insurance, your car payment OR your dealer
BECAUSE I love you, I won’t bail you out of jail
BECAUSE I love you, I won’t make excuses or lie to your employer
BECAUSE I love you, I will let you experience your own consequences
BECAUSE I love you, I will point you in the direction of recovery, of a better life…
And BECAUSE I love you, I will let you find your own way.
And most of all, BECAUSE I love you, I will continue to seek my own recovery & support from other moms of children who are struggling with their own demons because they are the only ones who can truly understand.
I love you more than you can ever know,
Mom