Well he called tonight, and told me that he knows it's been a rough day for me, I've been a wonderful wife, and the only thing he would have changed in the past 13 years is his treatment of me. It was nice to hear, but I need to be careful because it's very easy to be sucked in by those little crumbs that they throw out.
He hasn't been pressuring me to allow him back, but has asked that I hold off on filing for divorce for now. He told me that he doesn't want to cause me any more pain and that he needs to focus 100% on maintaining his sobriety before he can even begin to try to repair the marriage. He said he wants me to be happy whatever I decide, and that he hopes I'll still be there in the end, but that he will understand if/when I choose to move on.
Sadly, I would wait around forever if I knew in the end that I would get my sober husband back. But since there are no guarantees, I know I need to do my best to get through one day at a time and work on my own recovery right now. For now, I feel some relief in knowing that I don't have to make lifelong decisions THIS MINUTE. Eventually I may get to a place where I don't want him back, sober or not. I find myself trying to force the answers because I feel so helpless and out of control not knowing exactly where my life will take me. But I guess that's how I ended up in this crazy, co-dependent cycle to begin with!
For today, I can just be grateful that I made it through this really tough milestone, and grateful for my friends and family who have been supporting me along the way, as well as all of my new friends here. Thank you.