one of the LEAPs forward I made was when I finally understood that although AH seemed like 2 different people, there was only one, and that was the person who chose to exhibit all of those behaviours, the ones I liked and the ones I didn't. splitting them off into 2 people was a way of keeping my denial, I loved the "nice" once, but loathed the "nasty" one. However, when I got that he was the whole package not a lovely person "underneath" a curse, and that even if he stopped drinking he would have to go through an enourmous amount of attitude chnaging therapy to change the way he thought and behaved so that his default behaviour changed, I was able to seriously examine what it was that I loved, what did I feel love about? memories? No-one is nasty or horrible or disgusting all of the time, for all of their life. I have fond memories of my first love, of things from my childhood of college, they are not part of my life now becasue I have grown forward and they are no longer what I need or what sustains me, that deosn't take away from what used to be, but nor should it limit my present and future.